great thing

The wonderful thing about living in Chapel Hill for the majority of my lifetime is that memories lie in so many locations, and whenever I feel like it, I can always go back to them.

Tonight, I went driving. I wanted to kill about 30 minutes. I drove, not with a specific destination in mind. For some "subconscious" reason, I was pulled to the Chapel Hill High School parking lot. Two times this year I have done such a thing, driving through the parking lot and recalling various things that took place there. But this time, it didn't involve any explanation. Just remembering. I drove to Nida Abdullah's parking space, a somewhat parallel space on a hill in the A lot. There I could feel her and myself in her Acura with the taped up sunroof, hearing The Flaming Lips. We were waiting to get out of the parking lot to get Armadillo for lunch, before we'd casually walk in to 6th period yearbook. We'd complain about the current yearbook woes. I drove to Miriam Perez's (my Academics section editor of Junior year) space in the center of the B lot. I could see her, Nida, and myself on Miriam's last day of school, as she was a senior and had no exams. We were sitting on the pavement in her space, after school had let out. It was hot, and she was boasting about her new Swarthmore sticker on her car. I can remember putting her crazy personality aside to say goodbye to a friend. We talked about lots of things. I specifically hear myself telling my first pornographic trauma, when I accidentally downloaded a video online not visually pleasing. I drove to Rachel spot in the A lot, not far from my own. She didn't have geology class that day and I purposely skipped out on class. I can hear Eminem blasting and the two of us singing all the dirty words and the corresponding booty dancing. I can see the smiles on our faces. I remember the time going by so fast and seeing Rachel Frantz walk by when school has ended, and the finger-shaking glance she gives as she sees me slump down in my seat, her knowing that I was skipping. I drove to the far right corner spot in the A lot, closest to the Cultural Arts Building. Many late afternoons Nida and I would get food together, taking a break from the air of the yearbook room, and park one of our cars in that spot because it was closer and easy to drive into. I drove to the C lot, and saw Lauren Hart's old Toyota Camry with all the bumper stickers on the back of it. Not far down, was Abby Matson's. Theirs would be the only cars in sight at 7:30 am when the few of us had arrived for Bud Stuart's BC Calculus class 1st period. I can see their cars in the distance as I am parking in the A lot, getting out of my car with my gloves on, hot chocolate and small bag of cheerios in hand. And I knew that so many other happenings had occurred in these very spots, too many good memories to count. But the vivid ones came to mind. Finally, I parked in the D lot, in a spot facing the lacrosse field. I watched a deer in the field run away from my headlights. I turned them off and the deer turned back at me. Another appeared, running gracefully to its companion. It was beautiful.

I wrote down all these thoughts on notebook scraps found in my car. I wanted to keep the moment. Because when you have such a profound visual memory, you have to capture it on paper, in case you ever lose it. But I can go back, go back and find it again.

I was remembering these good times, knowing how good my life was then, just over a year ago from now, and missing it. But that nothing of my current life was included in these memories, and knowing that even though, at the time, I didn't think it would be better. That there is so much more in my life now, and truly how good it is.

working out

Man, I think I should almost apologize for my last post. But why apologize, you can't get rid of things that go through your head. What I mean is, it is really good when your bad in-depth thoughts come out, and pass. Today I thought I would never get through, it seriously was aimed for being the longest day ever. But I plunged through. I plunged through thinking I'd be way too exhausted to even have energy to do improv. But class tonight was a lot of fun. We had less people, which was cool. I'm really liking the people in my class, it'll be sad when its over next week. We played lots of one-liner games, which I really had so much fun with. Yeah for lots of zingers. And at that point while I could've gone home and collapsed my exhaustion into a ball of...less exhaustion? I didn't. Charlotte picked me up at 10, and our plans were just to hang out, because she just got back from the beach today, and we were determined to have the maximum hang out time while she is home for a few days. Because we are simply that awesome. Anywho of course Ross tried to coerce us to goin to Zog's, and while I don't go often cuz I usually have shit homework to do, we decided to "zog it", as i decided to coin the term tonight. I mean I didn't want to overwhelm Charlotte with too many improv crazies, you know, but really it was cool. Really had fun just chillin with Ross and Lisa and Laine and others...i mean, lately its been a little hard dealing with the social insanity of dsi folks, i don't know, it's been on my mind i guess. But tonight was real chill and just cool to hang with my class peeps. Cool people they are, but not insane, if you know what i mean. Spread a little gossip, learned a few new things--something good to do every so often. Ha. Then as usual, it really felt good to hang with Char, eating pokey on franklin, talking bout stuff, just like old summer nights. A grand end to my exhaustive day, exactly what i needed. So I'm glad, I'm really glad. I love it when things seem less than or equal to mediocre, they get better, all within a day. And among other things: My sister continues to be so awesome, and will never stop. My relationship with my bestest friend is growing stronger by the day. My boyfriend is there for me, no matter what i do or say. So stop complaining, Amy, and live it up. And that goes for you too.

thoughts and thoughts

I'm in that I am so tired but I can't sleep even though I desperately need and want to phase, and I'm so cold. Why am i so cold. It's summer. It's the rain.

But I got the chance to lay in my bed, and just think. Not say anything, just thinking. And I didn't remember until now that i was reading the words "say anything" on my poster on the wall, over and over until they blurred.

Today, I thought a lot about people.
Going to sleep at night. The necessary things to wake up each morning. That one can't do without item. The healing power that works every time, or at least has an effect. The connections with the most personally important people. Flirtatious looks. The qualities that define goodness. Angry reactions. Admitting jealousy. Things, emotions, and other people that bring happiness. Bad moods, and what sparks them. The degrees to which emotions are expressed. Motivation to do things, and to make other people happy. Pet peeves. Modes of communication. Talking about oneself. Idea of a fun time. Importance of serious conversation. Treatment of others. Appreciation.

Just some of the few million things that set each and every person in this world apart from every other. I thought about it a bit, and came back to the simple conclusion: everyone is different. Nothing can be done to change that. Different interests, different reactions, different talents, different values, entirely different personas. Duh.

You observe different people, you observe them, surround yourself with them, and a lot of times, by habit, you begin to find a common thread between them. The people you are around have something in common. That is why you are together. And the focus lies on that thread, and the other strands are sometimes forgotten. They don't mean to be, they just are.

I've found that people can often do this in order to feel part of something. You want to be accepted, or maybe just have something in common with one person. So you focus on it. But I feel like not enough people truly spend their time finding the differences, and keeping them. The truth is, I don't live to impress. And dealing with the people that do is almost overwhelming. How hard is it to just want live as i am, exist as myself, nothing less or more, and not feel pressured to change.

I know I haven't been extraordinarily articulate. But it is just thought. Some people think a lot more than they do. Others are vice versa. I'm the first one.

existing

Sometimes you do not realize how happy some things make you until you leave the routine. You leave in search for something better, because in a lot of ways it is. But the details, you miss.

Tonight, I am at home. Having been on campus all summer long, I haven't spent much time at home. Tonight, I fell asleep watching a movie, laying with my six-year old brother Ben on the couch, under my mom's handmade rag quilt. We ordered pizza for dinner, and ate caramel fudge ice cream with whip cream. I scooped the ice cream, Ben squirted the whip cream. I read him his bedtime story, and it wasn't just the usual chapter of the Boxcar Children or Magic Treehouse. I got to help teach my little brother how muscles work in a book about the human body. We flexed our biceps and triceps together. I went outside to get something from the car. I was distracted by the hammock. I layed on it for awhile. Wearing my black tanktop and my beach jailbait shorts, I just swung gently, feeling only the slight breeze across my legs. I could hear the rain, falling off the leaves of the trees, the kind of rain you can hear but can't really feel, because it is barely coming down. I could hear the crickets--sometimes you barely even notice the sounds of the crickets, because they are always there, but when you sit back and listen, you realize how loud they are, and how in sync they are with each other; it's almost like one loud heartbeat of cricket noises. All i could do is lie, with my eyes shut, half because of the summer exhaustion, and half because of the bright gleam of the porchlight. As I lied there, there was no strong emotion. It was existance. Existing in the summer atmosphere, the quiet of my house, and the place I had resided so many summer nights before. Only did i come inside to capture it here, although i didn't want to. I wanted to stay. Inside, the only sounds i hear are the hum of my mom's laptop and an occasional cat's purr. So many nights and days I spent here, itching to find something different. But you return, you return and you find that you've missed it. And it feels good.

Learn it.

Some people are great to hang out with. You could have fun for hours. Others you can tell all your problems to and talk endlessly about life. And some, maybe few, are both. All-purpose friends. Do me a favor, if you got one, take a look at your best friend. Keep them by your side, and stay by theirs. Don't lose them, cherish their value. Care and they'll care back, and they'll be there forever.

well, yay

I still feel like there are a million things to do and they all pile up at once. But at least I'm freaking out slightly less. My final is tomorrow, 25% of my grade. But I'm gonna go into it positively and hope for the best. Yeah I know, plenty of people kept telling me it's gonna be fine, don't worry. And while that helps to hear, it's not really okay in your mind until you see it and feel it for yourself.

In other things on the upside, my parents made it to Inside Improv last night. In fact, they were there before I was. My mom knew I'd been going and sorta what is was all about, and said she wanted to come one time to see for herself (but I didn't think they'd actually follow through). Apparently, my little seven-year old bro was at his first sleepover. With his best friend/next door neighbor, Zac, mind you. haha. AND he went to sunday school with Zac today. HILARIOUS. How freaking ironic would that be if my permanently-non-practicing-leaning-toward-cynical-about-organized-religion family had my little brother going to church every sunday. But anyway, that's beside the point. The show last night was great, especially with 202 and Richard White and friends. Definitely a great night. But I really was glad my parents got to see it...I liked introducing all my DSI friends to them, they love meeting new people. And it was really great to see them cracking up at the hilarity I spend nearly every weekend enjoying. It's a really good thing when you can share an experience with your parents and it was good to see them having a great time--it's an outlet everybody can benefit from. Especially because they know that I love it and now can understand it more. Awesome.

It makes me appreciate the somewhat non-geezer like qualities of my rents.

And by the way, my intense love for cheese never dies.

Which is it?

Some questions:

Am I overworking myself, putting too much in front of me, so I end up struggling in what should be priority? Or is it that I am just not cut out for what I strive to be?

Does it bother you that sometimes you are the only person that will ever completely understand what means most to you, and how and to what extent certains things truly affect you--experiences both uplifting and traumatizing? Does it make you feel alone?

school woes.

Ideal:
1. Purpose: to teach material, test you on it, and provide you with knowledge that hopefully will be absorbed.

2. Instructor: intended to relay the information at hand, and to be a source of knowledge of the topic at hand.

3. Teaching assistant: intended to provide an alternate source of help and understanding.
Not: --equally or less informed than the students
--unable to explain things well enough to be trusted
--allowing students to explain things in a confusing way and assume that is satisfactory

Not ideal: Summer School. Biology 50. Molecular Biology and Genetics.
Current state: not good. Hope for future: better, please, for the love of god, and the sake of me.
Unsatisfaction. That's all.

Bad man.

Laugh of the day:
According to my mom, when Ronald Reagan was elected in 1984, my sister was about two years old. My parents had a picture of him up on the refridgerator. They would hold her up to it, and taught her to point at him and say "Bad man! Bad man!"

Whaaattt?!

Seriously people, don't lose sight of the ones you don't want to lose. It really is that important.

it's aight.

Pop-ups are taking over my computer. AHHHH. I don't think I can handle it. I also realized that the same background picture has been on my desktop for i think the last semester: from Engrish.com, let me see if i can describe. (that is so much more fun than just picturing it, fool.) its a picture of a glass (see household items). it features a young boy in his swimming trunks, with an innertube around his body. He is carrying a plate with a cup of coffee on it. Following him closely is his dog, somewhat reminiscent of Lassie. At the bottom it reads: "I wonder why coffee tastes so good when you're naked with your family." Although still remaining to be hilarious, I was thinking about changing it. Any suggestions?

The last few days have been some of those that are busy and surprisingly good. It was like, everything I was "stressed" about, or worrying about, (three specific things, in fact) actually turned out to be okay, or even superb. And that was a good feeling.

However, I am not disregarding a slight nervous breakdown I had a couple nights ago. But it definitely occurred in conjugation with that . thing, which is somewhat unlike me (to express my woes through becoming overly emotional, mind you) but it happened, and it least i know that is halfly where it stemmed from. And now after thoughts of failure have had their turn at taking over my mind, have passed through, left their mark, and moved on. So its okay.

I also wanted to make a *note*, that computerized post-it notes are the shit, and if you don't already have them, make a choice, and live by them. They are free and meant to make your life better. Here, I'll help you out. http://www.3m.com/psnotes
Scroll down, and download the free version.

I don't know what my point is. Take unwanted things as they come to you and deal with them accordingly. And use benadryl itch relief stick when needed. For now...dinner with my family + rachel. uh, cool.

Defined.

I think I had this thought last night of a post and what it was about and how i was going to wait till today to write it because i was too busy doing other things before. also, i went fucking crazy last night. for some reason, i just got in this mood that i was in most of the day, where my intent was just to remain as mysterious and confusing as i could...it later heightened to laughing fits. i don't know what happened. i just had a brief glimpse into insanity. it was fun.

what i really wanted to say is this: and don't ask because i don't know where its coming from. what can i say? i was in a funk. it just hit me that a lot people spend their time or hope to achieve something they call a definition of themselves. People who have the ability, when asked, to sum up their personality, their life in a few sentences or so. Maybe I'm fooled. But is that really possible? Can a person be that simple, so that their daily activities are consumed by one or two things, so that that is essentially what makes them who they are? I guess I'm having trouble with this because its like so many people need time to "find themselves", figure out where they fit in, so that they can have that one place that they go, and feel most comfortable. sure, we all do that. we find something we like, do it, and keep doing it, maybe even going so far to make it life-consuming. sometimes people are labeled as one thing or another, and stick with it because its familiar. I don't want to be constantly worrying about "who i am", who do i want to be, and when and how will i find out who this person is i call myself. I don't want to be viewed as less of a person because I'm not defined. At the same time, I don't want to be so transparent that any ole person could take one look and know what kind of person i am.

But wait. perhaps...maybe i am on the road to be defined, just not with a simple definition in mind. I'm not a scatterbrained fool, for christ's sake. But why am i fixated on this idea? Don't really know. Just something to think about, and whether it is a significant thing to consider. People are complex creatures. You think you know a person inside and out, but at every turn there are more and more surprises. And you think you know yourself, but there can be just as many surprises there. All i can say is that you are who you are, and to the people who are truly important, there's no need to explain.

Damn. I'm way too fucking introspective.

19 I am.

So my birthday is coming to a close. But I feel like I've been celebrating for the last 3 days, so everything works out. I am 19 now. Don't know how that happened. Surely feels like I'm still 10. Oh well. The day turned out rather well, despite the having to go to class part, and the 6-year old brother crying through the entire dinner (He later said he was sorry he misbehaved and reinvited me to his birthday). It comes to the point when you don't really care how many presents you get. It's really just the whole appreciation of feeling loved. And I do today. Thanks to everybody who wished me well, everybody who told everyone else to wish me well, and of course, those of you who really, really went the extra step to make it a good one for me. Everyone deserves people like that in their life.

And I also want to say, I've been told that blogs are a good place to just vent. But I think, perhaps more importantly, its a good way to express your love and appreciation, to those who really deserve to hear it. There is not enough gratitude in this world. Just promise me you won't take for granted what you got. Thank you and goodnight.