i don't know

Everything is so uncertain right now.

I think something is resolved, but deep down I feel it's not.

I think I know what I want in something, but I don't know.

I think I'm doing something well, but in fact I'm not really.

I miss everything that's past and gone.

I feel relatively fine, but maybe it's deception of what's really there.

I feel like I'm changing, and I don't know how, and if I want to.

Nothing is defined enough to think through clearly.

I don't know anything anymore. I don't make sense anymore.

I don't like our president. And I want to go to sleep.

Maybe it's that I like everything to be okay. I know when something is good so I'm not gonna try to pull some shit to mess it up. So I think I give into people easily. I give them what they want and maybe that's not really good, for me. But anyway, it's not even about me, is it.

It's like, things can change so quickly. The smallest thing can happen and the mood is reversed. What the focus of the day was suddenly turns elsewhere. And you want to fix it so quickly because you just want to return to the good, because you know it's there. It's how it's supposed to be. Yeah it's small, but it's still there. I guess, in the end, it's all about feeling your way around, and learning how to deal with the ones you love.

doo wop

So i think it is perfectly okay to have an obsession, or a few. Some people seem to look down upon them, like those are strictly for pre-teens. BUT, most pre-teens are obsessed for one reason. When you're passionate, you have the love and appreciation for more than one part, and that should respected. I don't know, maybe i shouldn't even call it obsession. I just think passion is so much better than indifference or a so-so attitude toward things.

I just have my things you know. I try to convince others to feel the love as well. But really, there are only a few that may share the same passion as you. And I guess you just have to appreciate that. I saw Garden State twice this weekend. And if you are reading this, and you talk to me on a more-than-once-a-day basis, I apologize. But I highly encourage everyone to see it. Zach Braff is utterly spectacular (hotttt too). And it really makes a great impact in so many regards, especially if you're in your 20s. Let me know if you feel the love too, and I'll gladly carry a convo about it. It just, really, has made me happy. And it's weird to think that a movie could do that. And maybe it's just me that has things like that. But whatev, i think it's a good thing to have.

Other things:
mostly musical i guess
the Old 97s--i am currently downloading mucho of their music, i'm considering an old 97s/guster mix cd. lovely.ben lee--i don't know why i didn't list him first. he is my favorite musician, currently, of all. and he has been for awhile. in a few weeks, i am going to see him in concert. i'm ecstatic. he brings me peace. jump little children, the shins, bright eyes, stroke 9, ben folds, gary jules' "mad world", wilson phillips, the who's "baba o'riley", peter gabriel's "in your eyes", endless more.

really great cheese. a bottle of orange soda. shampoo. jacket. dryer sheets. pillow. god i can't even attempt to master this list. some of the things are phases, some will stick for a long time. there are so many things. things important to you and you only. you don't have to explain it. of course, those who know you really well can appreciate your love for these things and maybe even learn to love them themselves. but it's because its your thing that makes it cool. so i just wanted to say that. its cool to think about what you love.

a brief thing about relationships: it's like, it is what it is. it's no one else's but your own, and you don't have to pretend its not. maybe sometimes it does apply to be like, ohhhhh, you have one of "those" relationships goin on...but really, in most cases, its complicated, so you don't have to make it one thing or another just to make people understand.

glorious

I am utterly happy today. I've have found peace in the smallest ways, yet big overall. The bounce in my step is there. And, the best part is that nothing has to provoke it. Just the love of life and all its components.

I feel more than willing to give. I want to live my life giving all there is to give. And believe me, there is a lot. I want to find beauty in the world, myself, and you. I want to hear it around me, in the poetry and music I love. It is neverending and I cherish it. I want to expect nothing in return and love that ability. I want to mean every kind word, and do. You've caught me on a great day. The feeling may not stick with you. In fact, it may not stick with me. But I know, and you know, that it exists.

whoa it's been a while, and yep! i changed my title, you know gotta mix it up sometimes. plus i like my URL, so cool. i'm watching Ordinary People, which is a good movie, better book. I read it in 9th grade, probably one of the only books I really liked that we read that year. Mostly because I was so cynical about everything we did, since I hated HATED our teacher, ms. pearson, who i, and many others, believed to be a he-man, pig-faced, KKK member alcoholic. sheesh. anyway, yeah, it's a really sad movie. but i like conrad, he seems like a really good person.

so things: i feel slightly less stressed out about surface things than i did in the last few weeks. i was just dealing with crap, my computer broke, trying to get it fixed, etc...but i finally just got a new one and it's an Intrex, i like it, exciting. but this week, man, it seems trivial, and i've told people already, but my left eye has been twitching for the last few days. people have told me it's because i'm either too stressed out or need more sleep. and even though i know both are true, i don't feel like both are true in excess. it's weird.

i've started exercising everyday. just going to the src for 30 minutes or so during the day. i think it's a good step in trying to heal my back problems, although after going to the physical therapist for 2 months, and not seeing much change, it's hard to stay optimistic. now, i'm being referred to a spinal doctor, and i'll probably get some x-rays. that's scary. but i guess we'll see what happens? i don't know what's wrong with me.

i've also really gotten back into lyrics. (not that i ever really lost it.) i love music, and i love poetic music. i feel it should be appreciated. good musicians, and good writers. and another thing that i love, musicians that i can always depend on to do that. it's like counting on a good friend.

things are crazy. woo

whatEV. i think in a good way.