i feel weighty.

So don't ask why i was looking into this, but apparently, my BMI is fine, i'm in the normal range. but according to my calculated ideal weight i am about 8.8 pounds overweight. it's calculated by the size of frame you are (small, medium, large) and your height and weight. i guess it just got me thinking, since i've been thinking about it recently. maybe it's all the dancers i'm around, i just feel fat.

but think about it. i always had a slight bit of chub going on through my adolescent years, and then senior year hit, and at about halfway through i was at my record low (for my pretty much established adult weight). i lost at least 7 lbs that year, which was pretty much a result of my crazy hectic life and not eating enough, ever. i was too busy to eat lunch, and sometimes my dinner portions were somewhat small. i knew it was probably a bad thing, but it didn't bother me all too much. my weight loss just kinda happened, i hardly noticed.

and only about 2.5 years later, i'm 12 lbs heavier. i know, it's not a big deal, and some of my friends said i needed to gain weight. but as my mom says: anything you gain will show. (yeah, it sounds mean, but she meant in the way that i'm small, so any change will be noticeable.) and as my mom also says: you put on a couple pounds a year, and 20 years later you've gained 40 pounds. so i guess, while most college kids barely notice it and/or care, i guess i'm trying to be aware. i'm already struggling with my current state of health as a 19-year old. It seems my back problems are similar to that of my 70-year-old grandmother. so, i just want to be at a place that i'm happy with. i know i'm not obese, but there's room for improvement. and i'm willing to take even more initiative to make myself feel better.

i caught a glimpse of a roseanne episode today, and there was something in there where roseanne's mother was trying to convince her to go ballroom dancing. "it's good exercise," she said. and roseanne wittily replied, "hey, i don't have to exercise, i'm not single, divorced, or lonely."

and while that is so true, it's also like, maybe it's more important to do it just to be happy with yourself. it'll make you feel much greater.

so i'm not saying i'm going to stop eating like i did in high school. but i'm trying to be cautious. because if i've learned anything through all this back treatment shit, it's that you have to take care of yourself, no matter what. even if the symptoms of maltreatment aren't even showing, they'll come later, so it's important to take care of yourself NOW.

point is: so many people feel fat. they feel fat but they don't want to or know how to take the steps to fix it. or maybe it just seems to impossible. but i think i have a handle on it, and i'm going to keep working on it.

eh?

a little effed up you might say, or not, i don't know. i guess sometimes things just happen. things that could be avoided for probably better outcomes. but really, that's just what life is. gracious, i don't make sense right now. or ever.

cool encounter

Last night, I had this completely random encounter. It was awesome, so I'm sharing it.

I am in the pit, dancing.
A handsome, nicely energetic guy approaches, and from 10 feet away,

Guy: You're dancing! I saw you dancing!
Then he comes closer.
Me: Yeah, I am!
Guy: Are you a dancer?
Me: Yeah, I am!
Guy: Cool! What kind?
Me: I'm a tap dancer.
Guy: Cool! What's your name?
Me: I'm Amy.
Guy: I'm Brian. Nice to meet you.
Me: Nice to meet you too.
Guy (now Brian): You're waiting for somebody.
Me: Yeah, I am.
Brian: Who are you waiting for?
Me: My friend Michael.
Brian: Oh, okay.
Me: What are you doing?
Brian: I'm going to get my backpack.
Me: Oh, where's your backpack?
Brian: In Carmichael.
Me: Oh, why is it in Carmichael?
Brian: Because I live in Carmichael.
Me: Ohhh.
Brian: Where do you live?
Me: I live in Avery.
Brian: Where's that?
Me: You know where Carmichael is?
Brian: Uhh...yeah!
Me: Okay, well you go to Carmichael, and you keep walking down Stadium, and it's at the T in the road.
Brian: Wait, no. Ohh yeah, I know where that is. I knew a girl that lived there last year.
Me: Whoa, that's a crazy connection!
Brian: I know! What are you studying?
Me: Um, I am a Journalism and Biology double major.
Brian: Why? So you can write about science?
Me: Sure, or I don't know. What are you studying?
Brian: Economics.
Me: Why?
Brian: So I can change the world! But you see, the thing is, economics is wrong.
Michael approaches.
Brian: Are you Michael?
Michael: (confused look) Yeah, I am.
Brian: Hi, I'm Brian.
Me: I just met him two minutes ago.
Brian: She was dancing. Are you a tap dancer?
Me: No, but my brother is.
Brian: Oh, cool. Well, I gotta go, it was nice meeting you. I'll see you guys later.
Me: Okay, bye!

I love random encounters, it was great.

So a shout out to my new friend Brian who I may or may not meet again.
And also cheers to Gavin Connor for being awesome and sending me his new CD along with lots of "Gavin is for lovers" buttons. Let me know if you want one!

Last night was effing crazy. Tonight is going to also awesome (celebrating Jews and a party), Friday is going to be awesome (movies!), and Saturday is going to be awesome (Sakura!)

I'm happy! Cool!

i like when people are completely real AND considerate. that's a good combination.

i can't wait for the summer. can't wait to hang out with my favorite people. can't wait to join the O2 fitness gym in southern village that is effing awesome, and really cheap. can't wait to have my car at my reach. can't wait to swing in my hammock. can't wait to have essentially two months of freedom. can't wait to go to COSTA RICA for six weeks and have a blast studying ethnobiology, living in the rainforest, meeting indigenous people. awesome. can't wait to fly directly from costa rica to deep creek marlyand for my family reunion, waterskiing, chilling with my relatives on a pontoon boat, eating good food, and relaxing. can't wait to come back home after seven weeks away and move back in to school one week later. i can't wait.

and guess what. now it's my turn to not know what i want.
hootie hoo.

ponderous

i wonder why people do things. are they trying to prove something to themselves or somebody else. or are they just doing it because they CAN. it's also weird how much people change. at one point in your life your one thing, and months later, the essence of what goes on in your life is completely upside down. sometimes these are good changes hopefully and sometimes they aren't. but it's like you can't ever go back to what you used to be, because you've gotten used to the changes and don't want to lose it. sometimes i wonder though why certain things that bother me now were not important to me at all two years ago.

i've also been, i guess you could say, just observing people. observing the relationships they have. you look at people, and this can be strangers or people you know and care about. you look at them, and you say, wow, that would be amazing if i had that with somebody. but you look at other things, and you're like wow, that is really unhealthy. or really unfair to that person in the relationship. simply by looking at other people you can really see yourself in a different way. sometimes it's something you don't want to see, so i try not to do it entirely too much.

i feel like i'm in this place where i'm really striving to be a better person, in all aspects. but it's so hard. how do you fix yourself without losing yourself. i guess you have to take a step back, and say, i really hate how i do that. i should do that differently. and then work on it. but at the same time, i'm like, i really do believe i am a good person. i should just stick with myself, and not worry so much about whether things will work out for me or not.

another question i've been pondering:
is it better to have nothing, and therefore nothing to lose?
or is it better to have something wonderful, and know that it would kill you if it's gone?

i guess the point of all this is that i feel really up and down a lot of the time lately. i don't want to have to go through some phase to find out what i want. i feel ok, in fact. i'd like to feel better, more.

OH! and if you've gotten through this jumble, thanks for caring. and. please feel free to comment. because, i think blogger has changed it so that if you click other, you can leave your name, and you don't have to have an account or anything. so that's cool.

thanks friends.
love, amy

cool!

I just saw Savion Glover. He was so amazing. He performed in his show, Classical Savion at Duke. For those of you who don't know, he is a phenomenal, one of the best, tap dancers around. He had a full orchestra that he danced to the entire time. All classical music, composed of cellos, violins, flute, piano, all amazing. And the great thing is, except for seriously 2 1-minute interludes, he never stopped tapping. He's faster than anyone I've ever seen, and i don't know how he does it. It was spectacular. I went with my mom, it was fun. I saw my old tap instructor Gene, whom i love, and i also saw lots of people from the ballet school. God, i miss it so much.

What else. I made my first edition of Sports Monday in the DTH. I spent a long time making it on sunday, and it was fun. That was in...Monday's paper. It was an effing awesome paper, just so everyone knows. I hope you liked it. We design folks, along with the entire DTH staff, mind you, work very hard. I'm liking it. Woo hoo.

i don't even know why i'm this happy right now. it's kinda weird.
but whatev. lata