ponderous

i wonder why people do things. are they trying to prove something to themselves or somebody else. or are they just doing it because they CAN. it's also weird how much people change. at one point in your life your one thing, and months later, the essence of what goes on in your life is completely upside down. sometimes these are good changes hopefully and sometimes they aren't. but it's like you can't ever go back to what you used to be, because you've gotten used to the changes and don't want to lose it. sometimes i wonder though why certain things that bother me now were not important to me at all two years ago.

i've also been, i guess you could say, just observing people. observing the relationships they have. you look at people, and this can be strangers or people you know and care about. you look at them, and you say, wow, that would be amazing if i had that with somebody. but you look at other things, and you're like wow, that is really unhealthy. or really unfair to that person in the relationship. simply by looking at other people you can really see yourself in a different way. sometimes it's something you don't want to see, so i try not to do it entirely too much.

i feel like i'm in this place where i'm really striving to be a better person, in all aspects. but it's so hard. how do you fix yourself without losing yourself. i guess you have to take a step back, and say, i really hate how i do that. i should do that differently. and then work on it. but at the same time, i'm like, i really do believe i am a good person. i should just stick with myself, and not worry so much about whether things will work out for me or not.

another question i've been pondering:
is it better to have nothing, and therefore nothing to lose?
or is it better to have something wonderful, and know that it would kill you if it's gone?

i guess the point of all this is that i feel really up and down a lot of the time lately. i don't want to have to go through some phase to find out what i want. i feel ok, in fact. i'd like to feel better, more.

OH! and if you've gotten through this jumble, thanks for caring. and. please feel free to comment. because, i think blogger has changed it so that if you click other, you can leave your name, and you don't have to have an account or anything. so that's cool.

thanks friends.
love, amy