someone is awesome

the end...but not really at all

2005-06-06T15:55:00.000-05:00

K, so for various reasons, I've decided to start a new journal that will no longer be through blogger, so bloggerpeeps i'm sorry. it's all cool though because from now on you can visit me here.

http://livejournal.com/~heymeamy

i'm happy about this decision so everything is cool.
righteous, amy.

much better

2005-05-18T18:16:00.000-05:00

YESSS. Well everything is now fine. Nothing to worry about, only that I should keep doing better. Thank you god. I'm not screwed after all.

what happened to me

2005-05-14T17:06:00.000-05:00

Well, I am officially home for two months, working three days a week, chilling out and getting ready for Costa Rica. That's all i have to do, nothing else to worry about right?

Maybe.

Well, I'm also officially in trouble. I reached too high. And failed. I thought I could do it all, and prove to myself that I could do it what everyone else told me was impossible. But I didn't achieve anything I hoped to. It was too much, and I lost it. Now I've lost my chance to be what I wanted to be. I used to be quite a great student. It was never a struggle for me, and I always prided myself on my academic achievement. But my sophomore in college....what happened? Something did, and it wasn't focused on academics. I guess you could say everyone has to hit a slump in their lives...but it's a matter of how they deal with it and if they choose the right path to get out of it. Well, here's mine. I thought I could do it, but I didn't.

So, right now, I don't know where I am going to go from here. But I am going to the best I can with the options I may or may not have. To be more specific, after this semester, my GPA has dropped too low for me to become a Journalism major (don't ask, it's a stupid stupid rule) which is essentially what I have been working toward. I am a double major with Biology and am currently struggling in it. I'm a rising Junior who is supposed to have a declared major and going somewhere with their life. As of this moment, I don't know what I'll be able to do.

I'm going to advising next week, and seeing what i can do about this. And i'm sorry for making a terribly boring post about academic shit. But i think it's an emergency.

Other than that, it's been nice to be home. And I'm going to the beach on Monday woot. More later.
-amy

this weekend!

2005-05-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

wooohooo what a great weekend away from my life! i love those.

what did i do:

drove in the car with my family for a long time but it didn't seem long because i kept falling asleep. ate a really good dinner till like 11:00 pm in staunton, va. got pulled over for having a high beams on because "well, sir, most of the time people driving with their high beams on between 10 pm and 2 am are intoxicated. but it doesn't seem like that's the case." haha. went to two parties. one of which i had two glasses of wine and hardly knew anybody and just watched this guy talk about penises and make a deaf person impression for like 20 minutes. the second of which i got more trashed, talked to guys from VMI about their crazy lives, and played drinking games.

i woke up with a headache so i could meet my parents and see my sister graduate. had an awkward encounter with my mom and stepdad meeting my dad and his woman "friend". watched my sister graduate with my family. went to a barbecue. drove to uncle's house that's awesome. drank a margarita and a half with my relatives. watched everyone else and took pictures of them taking tequila shots. got really buzzed and fell asleep on the couch. then woke up to have an AMAZING DINNER: chicken and steak fajitas with everything good. my uncle is wonderful. ate a really good chocolate cake. sang a lotta karaoke with my relatives. i busted out some "walk this way" and faith hill. watched larry the cable guy till we all fell asleep. slept to awake to a humongously good breakfast: huevos, bacon, and hashbrowns, and lots of fruit. wished everybody mother's day.

lot of celebration. lot of love. awesome. awesome.

have to study for an exam but don't wanna! it's almost summer! wooooohooooooo

dammit! i never post!

2005-05-02T17:40:00.000-05:00

so i finally found some time to make a post.

dude. i JUST finished TWO EXAMS. today was the day of hell. and i thinking i'm failing out of college, but i don't want to talk about it. so boobie. but i'm done with that shit. and i'm glad i chose to have fun this weekend rather than not. eff that. friday was fucking awesome. i wish i did that every day. me and rachel and jade lin had a great time being RETARDED and it was awesomely great. saturday was crazy, ended up going to the dth banquet, couldn't ever get a ride home but then did, and eventually ended up at 80s dance. it wasn't one of the best but despite my shoes, i still had fun in the end. the point is that i felt really great this weekend, despite everything. i hadn't felt that way in a really long time. it's hard to explain without being really specific, but i feel so much better. just putting things that suck aside and just saying i honestly don't care. making it better feels GREAT. i hope that stays.

you know, i'm myself. i can't pretend, or even attempt to be you, or anything else. sometimes you think that being like someone else would make you happier. but it's not the natural thing. and if you're not real, then who are you. what you do works for you, and that's lovely. but once you find happiness, you'll know why. and i bet you anything it won't be because you pretended.

GOD I LOVE HIM.

2005-04-24T17:59:00.000-05:00

Ben Lee warms my heart.

This weekend was unexpectedly great. I wasn't even planning on going, but last minute I decided to, and was glad i did.

I ended up going up to D.C. with char, brent, max, and jen, meeting up with gavin and people to see Ben Lee at the Black Cat. Amazing show. Drove back to Hburg, arrive 5 am. They put flowers on the mikes to match his album cover. They say it really puts them in the mood. and Ben was incredibly happy throughout the show.

AND...then then next night, we did the same thing, except in Richmond!! This was so much different, the crowd was much smaller...so he played on the floor! And everybody sat down in front of him. It was wonderful. Then we talked to him, and his band mates. And it's great, because Gavin, the crazy man, has been to 23 BEN LEE SHOWS. i know, it's insane. but ben lee is always like heyyyy, gavin! and now the whole band knows him as "the super fan". And can I just say everyone in his band is completely awesome. I want to date them all.

I just think it's wonderful because not enough musicians actually express how much they love the music they're playing. But in D.C., Ben was so happy, like during one of the songs he was just like "God, I love music! I love playing music! It's amazing I actually get paid for this!" AHHH he's so great.

OH, and guess what? Gavin's girlfriend gave me a fake ID. so i have one now. if only i looked 27.

What else. I'm back in town now and just got back from a get together with my Costa Rica group. I met some people from UNC and Duke that I'll be going with this summer, and ate good food. It was fun. Makes me more excited and the trip a little more real now that i've met them.

Other "highlights" of this weekend? Well the openers both nights were the following: Maria Taylor and Har Mar Superstar. But listen, Maria Taylor is actually really good. It's this young girl and her brother and sister and couple others, and I really liked them a lot. I think i'll buy their album that comes out May 24th. SO. then there's Har Mar. And this is how we've been describing him to everyone. Picture Jon Lovitz. Then make him uglier. And fatter. And with longer gross hair while balding. Then give him a frillied red shirt and a white jacket with a harmar logo on the back. Then make him sing 70s disco/jackson five-ish music.

But the worst part...he stripped down. Eventually, he stripped down to just pants so his huge pot-belly was sticking out, and he goes out in the audience and makes out with girls. (i don't know why these girls do it). and i didn't see it until the second show, but he actually reached down into his pants, and pulled out pubes. it was digusting. we were afraid of him.

BUT. anyway. overall, wonderful crazy. i love that we have this group of people that are like Ben Lee's biggest fans and we all go to the shows together, because we all love him so much. makes me effervescent.

i should do this in chunks

2005-04-18T23:04:00.000-05:00

SO. this past weekend was not what i expected it to be. regardless, i ended up having a really good time. i know i made a fool of myself in many respects. i did and said some things i shouldn't have done. i'm sorry for that. i'm not sorry for my feelings because they are what they are. i'm sorry for creating a situation that perhaps forced me to be hurt. but i can't say force because it takes self-control in both directions. the thing is, you do things like this because you are in the moment. you do it and then later you're like why did i do that? that wasn't necessary for my well-being. but that doesn't matter to you at the time. so you do it, and then, depending on the consequences, you move past it.

other than that, lets see...i went to a beautiful place. i saw my best friend in the world do what's she best at and loves. i met some awesome people that i had a great time with, while my face became scorched with the heat of a fire. i ate lots of mexican food. i saw two great friends from high school that i miss and hope to see more of. i danced on stage for the last time this school year, and loved it. i slept in my bed at home. i drove my car. that was good.

i'm a little bit in shambles right now. please bear with me as much as you can. things are different. i'm trying my best. i'm not giving up. i don't even know where i want my life to be. this keeps happening. you think you know you've got what you wanted. then things keep changing. you gain a little and you lose a little. maybe it's an enhancement maybe it's a fall back. but at some point you will meet that equilibrium. hopefully.

okay. by the way, i want to say that blatantly talking about certain people negatively in their blog using their name is really dumb. i hate it. i mean, maybe it's most direct, but for some reason, it really really bothers me. something sweet, occasionally. but if you are gonna be mad, or bash someone openly, just do it to their face, and not in some disrepectful retarded way. that's my take.

it's a beautiful day

2005-04-11T15:37:00.000-05:00

Today is gorgeous. I spent some time walking 2 miles today in Mason Farm. It was insanely hot, but I learned about plants and succession of species. I also had some nice reflection time. It was wondrous.

Now, I'm in the Venable compy lab with my groupies. I've never been here before, it's crrrrazy!

People are good. I'm happy. Righteous.

lovingly, ames.

YESSSS

2005-04-06T00:23:00.000-05:00

what a great day! guess what i've done for the last day and a half?

well: i'll start with about 4 pm monday. i got out of class early while laughing at this feminist woman on an advertising video, talked to sri (my cool media effects teach) about our group project, then walked outside into the sunshine. i chilled around for awhile, got an orange juice, had a couple of nice folks try to convert me to christianity...but, they were really nice, they just asked me all this stuff, so i didn't mind that they asked me about God. I was expecting it anyhow. Then I leisured back to the dorm, made some quickie plans for the night ahead, and went to dinner with rachel and sizzle. of course we can't find a table, and i had limited time to eat, but OH WELL. i ate...something. then i skidaddled over to dress rehearsal, where i frantically tried to rehearse before we performed. it was slightly in shambles, but alas, we've got time to practice more. by the way, if you are in chapel hill, PLEASE COME TO MY SHOW THIS SUNDAY. it's me tap dancing, and a bunch of cool others doing ballet, modern, jazz, and hip-hop. YAY! it's this sunday at 5 pm in the great hall, as well as next sunday the 17th. so then i bolted home, in preparation for...THE GAME!!! went to rams to buy rasberries, cherry coke, and gingerale. we were greeted by a fellow known at matt knisely, and he also brought along a friend of his (iiiinteresting). yeah, i don't know who reads this. meh. so we watched the game, fucking great. and then a good friend, seth fisher, also joined. he's the shit. SO WE FUCKING WON. and we jumped for joy and ran out of our dorm, hooting more, and then walked up to franklin with the masses. rachel and i lost the others on the way, like expected. but we held on to each other as we made our way through the crowd. i got: slapped on the ass by a big fat black guy, and almost trampled on. but i ran into a bunch of people i knew eventually. and i even saw mr. irwin swinging on a road sign. dang. it was crazy. we eventually got out of there after we had enough experience. it made me ridiculously happy. came back, then went over to spencer. i hung out with some katie, lindsay, will, and charlotte. and i ate a LOT of peanut brittle. it was cool. had a good heart to heart till about 3:30 am. then had a nice accompanied walk home, and then i went to sleep!

TUESDAY. had no fiction, and was supposed to meet katie for lunch at 11:30...but, that didn't happen very well, so i instead took a shower, and went to the class known as women in ancient greece and rome...and we got a free quiz grade by answering easy questions. which like saves my life, considering i'm failing that class. SO. then, i went to franklin to catch the bus to work. the bus decided not to come, so i instead got heckled by a man, and talked to a nice young blonde woman. Finally caught the F bus and was 15 minutes late to work. but...it was cool, and i spent most of the time talking about basketball with my coworkers, loving the bright day, and be effervescent with the customers.

It actually went fairly fast, and although I brought schoolwork to do, i did none of it. so then, i practiced dancing to one-two-step while i waited for the bus. got to franklin, walked to the union. from about 7 to 7:30, i went to the gallery, where katie's art was being exhibited. awesome, hung with cool people, looked at cool art, and ate good food. onward to...half-hour rehearsal. good stuff, getting better, hot. onward to...my media effects group meeting. yay, i love my group. it's awesome. GREAT. then, GYM w/katie. feels real good. woobie.

i'm not sure

2005-04-03T01:17:00.000-05:00

You know how some days are really exciting, maybe some cool things happen that don't typically happen, and it is brightened. Some days interesting things happen to you that fit together completely. Other days are nothing too special. Well today seemed like one that wasn't like many others but it gave me a weird feeling. That it was terribly bad I don't think so. In a vague sense, I'm not sure what i mean.

i feel weighty.

2005-03-31T22:57:00.000-05:00

So don't ask why i was looking into this, but apparently, my BMI is fine, i'm in the normal range. but according to my calculated ideal weight i am about 8.8 pounds overweight. it's calculated by the size of frame you are (small, medium, large) and your height and weight. i guess it just got me thinking, since i've been thinking about it recently. maybe it's all the dancers i'm around, i just feel fat.

but think about it. i always had a slight bit of chub going on through my adolescent years, and then senior year hit, and at about halfway through i was at my record low (for my pretty much established adult weight). i lost at least 7 lbs that year, which was pretty much a result of my crazy hectic life and not eating enough, ever. i was too busy to eat lunch, and sometimes my dinner portions were somewhat small. i knew it was probably a bad thing, but it didn't bother me all too much. my weight loss just kinda happened, i hardly noticed.

and only about 2.5 years later, i'm 12 lbs heavier. i know, it's not a big deal, and some of my friends said i needed to gain weight. but as my mom says: anything you gain will show. (yeah, it sounds mean, but she meant in the way that i'm small, so any change will be noticeable.) and as my mom also says: you put on a couple pounds a year, and 20 years later you've gained 40 pounds. so i guess, while most college kids barely notice it and/or care, i guess i'm trying to be aware. i'm already struggling with my current state of health as a 19-year old. It seems my back problems are similar to that of my 70-year-old grandmother. so, i just want to be at a place that i'm happy with. i know i'm not obese, but there's room for improvement. and i'm willing to take even more initiative to make myself feel better.

i caught a glimpse of a roseanne episode today, and there was something in there where roseanne's mother was trying to convince her to go ballroom dancing. "it's good exercise," she said. and roseanne wittily replied, "hey, i don't have to exercise, i'm not single, divorced, or lonely."

and while that is so true, it's also like, maybe it's more important to do it just to be happy with yourself. it'll make you feel much greater.

so i'm not saying i'm going to stop eating like i did in high school. but i'm trying to be cautious. because if i've learned anything through all this back treatment shit, it's that you have to take care of yourself, no matter what. even if the symptoms of maltreatment aren't even showing, they'll come later, so it's important to take care of yourself NOW.

point is: so many people feel fat. they feel fat but they don't want to or know how to take the steps to fix it. or maybe it just seems to impossible. but i think i have a handle on it, and i'm going to keep working on it.

eh?

2005-03-27T10:50:00.000-05:00

a little effed up you might say, or not, i don't know. i guess sometimes things just happen. things that could be avoided for probably better outcomes. but really, that's just what life is. gracious, i don't make sense right now. or ever.

cool encounter

2005-03-24T16:18:00.000-05:00

Last night, I had this completely random encounter. It was awesome, so I'm sharing it.

I am in the pit, dancing.
A handsome, nicely energetic guy approaches, and from 10 feet away,

Guy: You're dancing! I saw you dancing!
Then he comes closer.
Me: Yeah, I am!
Guy: Are you a dancer?
Me: Yeah, I am!
Guy: Cool! What kind?
Me: I'm a tap dancer.
Guy: Cool! What's your name?
Me: I'm Amy.
Guy: I'm Brian. Nice to meet you.
Me: Nice to meet you too.
Guy (now Brian): You're waiting for somebody.
Me: Yeah, I am.
Brian: Who are you waiting for?
Me: My friend Michael.
Brian: Oh, okay.
Me: What are you doing?
Brian: I'm going to get my backpack.
Me: Oh, where's your backpack?
Brian: In Carmichael.
Me: Oh, why is it in Carmichael?
Brian: Because I live in Carmichael.
Me: Ohhh.
Brian: Where do you live?
Me: I live in Avery.
Brian: Where's that?
Me: You know where Carmichael is?
Brian: Uhh...yeah!
Me: Okay, well you go to Carmichael, and you keep walking down Stadium, and it's at the T in the road.
Brian: Wait, no. Ohh yeah, I know where that is. I knew a girl that lived there last year.
Me: Whoa, that's a crazy connection!
Brian: I know! What are you studying?
Me: Um, I am a Journalism and Biology double major.
Brian: Why? So you can write about science?
Me: Sure, or I don't know. What are you studying?
Brian: Economics.
Me: Why?
Brian: So I can change the world! But you see, the thing is, economics is wrong.
Michael approaches.
Brian: Are you Michael?
Michael: (confused look) Yeah, I am.
Brian: Hi, I'm Brian.
Me: I just met him two minutes ago.
Brian: She was dancing. Are you a tap dancer?
Me: No, but my brother is.
Brian: Oh, cool. Well, I gotta go, it was nice meeting you. I'll see you guys later.
Me: Okay, bye!

I love random encounters, it was great.

So a shout out to my new friend Brian who I may or may not meet again.
And also cheers to Gavin Connor for being awesome and sending me his new CD along with lots of "Gavin is for lovers" buttons. Let me know if you want one!

Last night was effing crazy. Tonight is going to also awesome (celebrating Jews and a party), Friday is going to be awesome (movies!), and Saturday is going to be awesome (Sakura!)

I'm happy! Cool!

2005-03-23T00:51:00.000-05:00

i like when people are completely real AND considerate. that's a good combination.

i can't wait for the summer. can't wait to hang out with my favorite people. can't wait to join the O2 fitness gym in southern village that is effing awesome, and really cheap. can't wait to have my car at my reach. can't wait to swing in my hammock. can't wait to have essentially two months of freedom. can't wait to go to COSTA RICA for six weeks and have a blast studying ethnobiology, living in the rainforest, meeting indigenous people. awesome. can't wait to fly directly from costa rica to deep creek marlyand for my family reunion, waterskiing, chilling with my relatives on a pontoon boat, eating good food, and relaxing. can't wait to come back home after seven weeks away and move back in to school one week later. i can't wait.

and guess what. now it's my turn to not know what i want.
hootie hoo.

ponderous

2005-03-09T21:18:00.000-05:00

i wonder why people do things. are they trying to prove something to themselves or somebody else. or are they just doing it because they CAN. it's also weird how much people change. at one point in your life your one thing, and months later, the essence of what goes on in your life is completely upside down. sometimes these are good changes hopefully and sometimes they aren't. but it's like you can't ever go back to what you used to be, because you've gotten used to the changes and don't want to lose it. sometimes i wonder though why certain things that bother me now were not important to me at all two years ago.

i've also been, i guess you could say, just observing people. observing the relationships they have. you look at people, and this can be strangers or people you know and care about. you look at them, and you say, wow, that would be amazing if i had that with somebody. but you look at other things, and you're like wow, that is really unhealthy. or really unfair to that person in the relationship. simply by looking at other people you can really see yourself in a different way. sometimes it's something you don't want to see, so i try not to do it entirely too much.

i feel like i'm in this place where i'm really striving to be a better person, in all aspects. but it's so hard. how do you fix yourself without losing yourself. i guess you have to take a step back, and say, i really hate how i do that. i should do that differently. and then work on it. but at the same time, i'm like, i really do believe i am a good person. i should just stick with myself, and not worry so much about whether things will work out for me or not.

another question i've been pondering:
is it better to have nothing, and therefore nothing to lose?
or is it better to have something wonderful, and know that it would kill you if it's gone?

i guess the point of all this is that i feel really up and down a lot of the time lately. i don't want to have to go through some phase to find out what i want. i feel ok, in fact. i'd like to feel better, more.

OH! and if you've gotten through this jumble, thanks for caring. and. please feel free to comment. because, i think blogger has changed it so that if you click other, you can leave your name, and you don't have to have an account or anything. so that's cool.

thanks friends.
love, amy

cool!

2005-03-02T00:09:00.000-05:00

I just saw Savion Glover. He was so amazing. He performed in his show, Classical Savion at Duke. For those of you who don't know, he is a phenomenal, one of the best, tap dancers around. He had a full orchestra that he danced to the entire time. All classical music, composed of cellos, violins, flute, piano, all amazing. And the great thing is, except for seriously 2 1-minute interludes, he never stopped tapping. He's faster than anyone I've ever seen, and i don't know how he does it. It was spectacular. I went with my mom, it was fun. I saw my old tap instructor Gene, whom i love, and i also saw lots of people from the ballet school. God, i miss it so much.

What else. I made my first edition of Sports Monday in the DTH. I spent a long time making it on sunday, and it was fun. That was in...Monday's paper. It was an effing awesome paper, just so everyone knows. I hope you liked it. We design folks, along with the entire DTH staff, mind you, work very hard. I'm liking it. Woo hoo.

i don't even know why i'm this happy right now. it's kinda weird.
but whatev. lata

2005-02-25T01:40:00.000-05:00

MyBYE I WA SDON'T KNOW THWHTE THATW WHAT 'S GOING OGON RIGHT NOW. WAHT HOAPPPEND.ED. WSOMETHING HAPEPNED. i dont' knwo. hye goondight everyobdy. liove you all frazy.

2005-02-24T15:10:00.000-05:00

I have completely lost it. And shit like this will do it to you. So there.you.go.
YES. I can utterly say that I've lost my mind.

not the same

2005-02-12T12:35:00.000-05:00

sometimes i wish this life weren't my own. someone else's would do. maybe yours.

a big list

2005-02-04T16:22:00.000-05:00

so here are just a few great things:

We got satellite radio at work. That means we don't have to listen to shitty radio anymore, even though I was getting quite accustomed to 100.7 the river. But it's awesome, and we listen to constant 60s vibrations, which is really great.

I got the day off today, which has led me to having a free friday, which I NEVER HAVE. so i got to go to carrboro, have a good lunch and conversation, visit my mom, and browse a thrift shop. i found a vcr for $7.50! i'm considering the purchase.

I turned in my Study Abroad application today. I'm applying to go to Costa Rica for this summer. I couldn't be more excited. But I'm proud of myself, I finished everything I had to do, and a week early. It's great.

I bought two albums this week. One is something I've been looking for for awhile, the Shins on vinyl. I'm listening to them now on my rock out Studebaker record player, and I love it. The other is Bright Eyes' new release, I'm Wide Awake It's Morning. This album is wonderful, and it's my new soundtrack as I graze around campus. Conor, your beautiful poetry makes me happy. It makes up for the concert I was supposed to go to and missed.

I'm tap dancing again this semester, and am loving it. It's about time I get back to my form of creative expression.

I bought some orange juice for my dormitory fridge, and because it's, well, a dormitory fridge it either keeps things almost frozen or not at all cold. So the orange juice is so cold it almost hurts to drink it. But it is so good.

I'm working out at the SRC every other day, religiously. And I can't say that my back pain is gone, but I'm going to continue to push through. And I'm feeling healthier as a whole. So that has to be a good thing.

I'm summing up some more money, so I think I'm going to go ahead and order my new shoes I've been wanting. They are another pair of Sauconys because my maroon ones are wearing. These are mint colored. I think I will order them NOW.

I have a nine-month-versary to celebrate coming up this wednesday. (realized today that people always say _________-month anniversary, which really doesn't make sense because the prefix ann- means yearly.) so thats fucking crazy and great.

Rachel and I are working through stuff and continuing to improve the fucking most fabulous best-friendship there is.

I'm more confident about having the possibility to do something with my life and doing it because I want to and not being influenced by people that keep saying its impossible. Eff that.

I love everyone and everything that is important to me right now. And even the things that aren't that big, but the small details that cheer up my life are so essential, and I'm glad about it. These are just a few great happenings thus far, but it's good to acknowledge a few at a time, even if it's not everything.

Keep loving.
-ames

god its awesome

2005-01-23T23:54:00.000-05:00

I had such a spectacular weekend. I don't think i even need to explain it. I'm really happy. What a life.

How Amy found $100

2004-12-19T13:26:00.000-05:00

Oh, I haven't posted in awhile. Things are swell. Here's an awesome story.

Yesterday, Charlotte and I were finishing up the shopping for ALL of my cousins at Southpoint Mall. It was about 6:00 p.m. and we were looking around Metropolitan Deluxe, the store with all the pink fake Christmas trees in the window, next to Barnes 'n Noble.

So we were looking around, I was browsing a few feet away from the counter, and two other people were standing right near me. I looked on the ground and there lay a folded 50 dollar bill. No one else noticed it, so I picked it up. I whispered to Charlotte, "I just found 50 dollars! Let me see if its more than that." So I did, and yep, it was two 50s.

So I pondered for a bit what I should do with it. Technically, I could have just left the store in a finders-keepers-loser-weepers mentality. But I guess since it was right there in the store, I figured maybe the person who dropped it was still in the store. So I told one of the employees. I said, "Hey, I just found $100 on the ground right here, I'm wondering if maybe you want to hold on to it in case anybody is looking for it." I just thought that if someone lost $100, they would be looking for it. So she told the other employees, and they were all like, "Man, I would just leave. I'd be gone!" But they said they would put in their safe, and if someone comes by for it, they'd give it to them. They put my name on it and said that I could come back and if no one claimed it, I could have it. So I told them I'd come back in about an hour.

And I suggested asking people around, but this one woman, also shopping, told me, "No, don't do that. People will just lie to you."

There were about 3 different employees talking to me about it, and they all kept saying, "Man, you are like the most HONEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD."

They kept saying how honest I was, it was really funny. I just felt like I should be a good person, you know. I wouldn't want to lose 100 dollars.

So we left, and went to Barnes 'n Noble for awhile, and I returned back to the store a bit later. And sure enough, no one had claimed it. So the girl gave me the envelope and said "Merry Christmas to you!" And I said, "Thank you so much," and I left with my 100 dollars.

It was really nice. It felt like a good holiday moment. It was the best thing that happened in a while. Not only did I feel like a good person, but I got 100 dollars out of the deal. So that's something awesome.

Now, what should I do with the money?? Any ideas?

whoa-oh

2004-11-22T19:08:00.000-05:00

Whatup bitches?? It's been way too long I think.

So what's been kickin?

I'm sooo ready for thanksgiving you? I'm gonna make pies. It's gonna be real.

I turned in my 10 page paper today, after finally finishing at about 4 am last night (thanks yo). Although I felt dumb because in my lack of sleep I forgot that we had to attach ALL the articles we clipped out TO the paper. so i was like uh, shit. but it was ok, b/c my TA let me run back to my room and turn in my paper after class. SO that's done, and it's awesome b/c besides writing a news story sometime tomorrow, don't know when, i'm done with all this shit. so cool.

This weekend was real great. I saw Mangum 310 opening night. And hey, it was effing awesome. Great job. I'm proud of you.

I also went to two music concerts, ate smores, made cool new friends. I love making cool new friends by the way. It's a great thing about college that doesn't really happen as often in high school. So word to that.

I think I'm going home tomorrow and working a lot for the Thanksgiving rush, it's gonna be crrrrrazy. Come visit me, great harvest bread company, Elliot Road, if you please, tues and wed. I'll probably be crazed.

Aaaand, I'm excited to: hang out with charlotte, hang out with benny, hang out with my puppy, be in my house, eat awesome food, make awesome food, take a bath, hang out with my kitties, sleep, hang out with charlotte, be not at school, hang out with charlotte. YAY

And now, I'm chillin at the DTH until Mangum 310 again! hooty hoo

So yeah, I'll try to post more. But for now, i wish you a great thanksgiving. remember, your family is....your family. the food is where it's at.

And: If I haven't seen you for awhile, or maybe I've seen you and just haven't SEEN you, I really miss you a lot.

Love, ames

here you go

2004-11-08T15:27:00.000-05:00

I'd like to piece my thoughts together as well as I can. I've seen a lot of posts by others about their political views, some incredibly angry, some bitter but comforting. I haven't really said much because maybe I didn't yet realize how emotional I am about it.

And probably, I won't even say everything I feel, although that might be nice to get off my chest. I don't know we'll see.

You know you are surrounded by a diversity of people. Some people have completely different views than you, do things with different intentions and to different degrees. Some won't understand how much it means to you. Some won't care about what's going on, because they are immersed in something else.

I've never been so politically charged in my life. Never before had I voted. So that's one thing. Never before have I been so unappreciative of authority. And that is saddening. But the other side is that I'm not alone. It refreshed me to think that millions of others feel the same way I do. They care about their country, and know that what happened, was not the right thing. So that feels good, that I'm not the only one. But at the same time it is so FRUSTRATING. that the other half of our country doesn't feel this way.

OK. I'm upset. I'm upset because 4 years ago, I wasn't pleased with the outcome of the presidential election. At 15, I knew there was some guy who didn't deserve to run our country, and I would avoid all contact. I rarely watched him when he appeared on television, it pained me. Now, I know that he's not a complete doofus, so I'm not going to say that. But what I did know, and continued to learn, was that someone else could do a better job, many before him have, so by all means, let's do our best to get him out. I'm saddened because here we are again, in a worse position, with the same man on our hands. I'm pissed off. I acknowledge why people voted the way they did. It's their beliefs and their stance, but for god sakes, at least have one. I'm pissed off because more than half of our country is so IGNORANT in buying into everything he says. I truly have a hard time listening to the man. That's why I avoided him for four years. But this year, especially as I'm enrolled in classes that really focus on the news, and sorta forced me to become informed, I can't avoid it. And I'm glad, because it really is important. So I guess, now I see its importance. This is our FUCKING COUNTRY we are talking about here, and so many people don't give a fuck. 1 out of 10 young people voted. Do you know how pathetic that is? Real. It really makes me so sad to see people supporting something that in my eyes screams WRONG. Yeah, it's politics. But since when did politics=religion. It's called church and state people, do you not understand that?? I just have been having a hard time dealing civilly because it's sorta hit me really strongly in the last few months, and it's been hard for me to let it go. It has been less than a week since this thing has been over. People just expect you to forget that everything you stand for has just been shot down. So I'm glad that people are able to move on with their lives, and of course I will. But I think it is just as important to express the woes of the aftermath. It's proof that something is important to you, and that you're not just going let it wisp over your face, like you can barely feel it, not even changing your expression.

And you know, it's going to get to me every once in a while, because that's how i work. I'll have something in the back of my mind for some time. It'll just stay there, but it'll move to the back and allow me to focus on something else. But every so often it will come back to the front and emotions will spew out.

I'm coming to terms. You can't make someone love a song. You can suggest it, and let them listen all you want. But it's their decision to whether they want to make it important.

The good thing is, there is someone else out there that loves the song as much as you. Maybe it is for different reasons, maybe they are the same. So listen to it together. But ultimately, just listen yourself. You'll remember why you love it and you'll keep loving it. You'll appreciate it more and yourself more.

2004-11-04T21:31:00.000-05:00

I love when someone makes you an awesome mix cd and you keep listening to it and when you're listening to it, it reminds you of how awesome that person is.

Right now, that is what makes me real happy.

goodness

2004-11-01T13:48:00.000-05:00

This weekend was wonderful. There's nothing like doing something awesome and doing it with some of your favorite people in the world. I got like no sleep, but it was worth it. Yay.

2004-10-20T19:50:00.000-05:00

I guess I've been thinking about how people quantify their lives. It's like people measure themselves against everyone else, and that what they've done and experienced somehow shows an achievement of some sort. But what does that achieve exactly? So i've really found appreciation for those who don't do that. It's very refreshing.

A lot of people will say that they don't care what other people think. But seriously, most people do. But I think it's a good thing, as long as you can still make decisions based on your own well-being. Other people are important, so of course you're gonna care how it affects them.

But what i'm saying is, i'm still gonna care what others think about me. But there's a point when you do something for someone else, and do something for yourself. I just don't want to do something because that's what people are supposed to do, or maybe that's what YOU do. Isn't that called like conforming? pressured conforming.

One. I don't want to quantify things in my life. Quality is better than quantity in most cases don't you agree? Two. Quality can only be determined by YOU. Nobody else. Not even the closest person to you, who maybe knows you as well as you know yourself. Not the person you trust the most, or respect the most. It's all you, baby.

Say you got something you never thought you'd have, and maybe even thought you didn't deserve it. You're not quite sure why you didn't deserve it, or maybe it's just because you never had it before, so you're wondering why you have it now. And at the same time, you're wondering why all these other people around you just go through their lives not terribly worried that what they have might one day be gone and they'll be unhappier for it. Because they have no fear that something equally good or better will come along. But not you. You know what you have, and you know that's it's good. But because you don't think about things the same way all the other people do, you doubt yourself.

But deep down, you know that what's yours is yours, and it doesn't matter. You love what's important to you, and that matters.

Just thinking and loving.

yes

2004-10-16T19:24:00.000-05:00

I decided I like muscles. Not in excess, but....yeah.

fall break

2004-10-15T17:37:00.000-05:00

rebellious.

must.go.to.sleep.now.

2004-10-13T13:48:00.000-05:00

i'll make this short because im leavin in like 5. this weekend was soo utterly awesome. god ben lee, i thought i loved you before. and i did. but now everything is so much cooler that i've talked to you. ahh! annywho, greatness. these last two days have been crazy, just constant doin shit in prep for the two killer exams i had today. so they're done with and im praying for decency. now im headin home for break, which will be nice and great to be with my bro. cause he really is a great 7-year old.

so the point is, if you wanna chill, im round. if you wanna chill with a 7-year old, that's cool too. so hit me up. i'm excited. it'll be good to take a break from insanity. sheesh man.

so love, live it up, and be wonderous.

love ames

2004-10-08T11:47:00.000-05:00

I think maybe i've finally made it through the rough spot. Because things seem to be good now.

Yesterday: awesome. Ran around all day, going to 4 classes, the gym, to carrboro to get my car, took two midterms. and then, it was all worth it, just like i had hoped.

Jump Little Children was spectacular as always. It was hilarious. Matt Bivens totally told 700 or so people in the cat's cradle to go out and vote for John Kerry. And everyone cheered, except for this one annoying girl next to me. Loser. And he also declared Election Day the day you go out and vote AND "the day you go out and make out with someone". I'm cool with that. Who wants to participate??

The concert finished around 12:30 and I was trying to get over to Linda's so I could catch the last set of the Loreleis. And Laura Pyatt crammed 7 people into her car so I could make it. Thanks man. And I did make it, after the bouncer finally let me go down there. So it was great, a lot of music, all at one time.

Now I'm running around before I go out of town this weekend for BEN LEE. If you don't know how ecstatic I am, well I can tell you that I am. Goodness. So I hope everyone has a stellar weekend. SOOO happy right now.

and even though really i have sooo much to do, i work so fucking well under pressure. it's like easier for me to enjoy things, or something.
love ames

(btw, as i drove up my driveway this morning, my cat had a bird in her mouth. it was kinda disturbing. eh.)

i don't know

2004-09-30T22:00:00.000-05:00

Everything is so uncertain right now.

I think something is resolved, but deep down I feel it's not.

I think I know what I want in something, but I don't know.

I think I'm doing something well, but in fact I'm not really.

I miss everything that's past and gone.

I feel relatively fine, but maybe it's deception of what's really there.

I feel like I'm changing, and I don't know how, and if I want to.

Nothing is defined enough to think through clearly.

I don't know anything anymore. I don't make sense anymore.

I don't like our president. And I want to go to sleep.

2004-09-28T00:16:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's that I like everything to be okay. I know when something is good so I'm not gonna try to pull some shit to mess it up. So I think I give into people easily. I give them what they want and maybe that's not really good, for me. But anyway, it's not even about me, is it.

It's like, things can change so quickly. The smallest thing can happen and the mood is reversed. What the focus of the day was suddenly turns elsewhere. And you want to fix it so quickly because you just want to return to the good, because you know it's there. It's how it's supposed to be. Yeah it's small, but it's still there. I guess, in the end, it's all about feeling your way around, and learning how to deal with the ones you love.

doo wop

2004-09-21T00:19:00.000-05:00

So i think it is perfectly okay to have an obsession, or a few. Some people seem to look down upon them, like those are strictly for pre-teens. BUT, most pre-teens are obsessed for one reason. When you're passionate, you have the love and appreciation for more than one part, and that should respected. I don't know, maybe i shouldn't even call it obsession. I just think passion is so much better than indifference or a so-so attitude toward things.

I just have my things you know. I try to convince others to feel the love as well. But really, there are only a few that may share the same passion as you. And I guess you just have to appreciate that. I saw Garden State twice this weekend. And if you are reading this, and you talk to me on a more-than-once-a-day basis, I apologize. But I highly encourage everyone to see it. Zach Braff is utterly spectacular (hotttt too). And it really makes a great impact in so many regards, especially if you're in your 20s. Let me know if you feel the love too, and I'll gladly carry a convo about it. It just, really, has made me happy. And it's weird to think that a movie could do that. And maybe it's just me that has things like that. But whatev, i think it's a good thing to have.

Other things:
mostly musical i guess
the Old 97s--i am currently downloading mucho of their music, i'm considering an old 97s/guster mix cd. lovely.ben lee--i don't know why i didn't list him first. he is my favorite musician, currently, of all. and he has been for awhile. in a few weeks, i am going to see him in concert. i'm ecstatic. he brings me peace. jump little children, the shins, bright eyes, stroke 9, ben folds, gary jules' "mad world", wilson phillips, the who's "baba o'riley", peter gabriel's "in your eyes", endless more.

really great cheese. a bottle of orange soda. shampoo. jacket. dryer sheets. pillow. god i can't even attempt to master this list. some of the things are phases, some will stick for a long time. there are so many things. things important to you and you only. you don't have to explain it. of course, those who know you really well can appreciate your love for these things and maybe even learn to love them themselves. but it's because its your thing that makes it cool. so i just wanted to say that. its cool to think about what you love.

a brief thing about relationships: it's like, it is what it is. it's no one else's but your own, and you don't have to pretend its not. maybe sometimes it does apply to be like, ohhhhh, you have one of "those" relationships goin on...but really, in most cases, its complicated, so you don't have to make it one thing or another just to make people understand.

glorious

2004-09-15T23:51:00.000-05:00

I am utterly happy today. I've have found peace in the smallest ways, yet big overall. The bounce in my step is there. And, the best part is that nothing has to provoke it. Just the love of life and all its components.

I feel more than willing to give. I want to live my life giving all there is to give. And believe me, there is a lot. I want to find beauty in the world, myself, and you. I want to hear it around me, in the poetry and music I love. It is neverending and I cherish it. I want to expect nothing in return and love that ability. I want to mean every kind word, and do. You've caught me on a great day. The feeling may not stick with you. In fact, it may not stick with me. But I know, and you know, that it exists.

2004-09-14T14:19:00.000-05:00

whoa it's been a while, and yep! i changed my title, you know gotta mix it up sometimes. plus i like my URL, so cool. i'm watching Ordinary People, which is a good movie, better book. I read it in 9th grade, probably one of the only books I really liked that we read that year. Mostly because I was so cynical about everything we did, since I hated HATED our teacher, ms. pearson, who i, and many others, believed to be a he-man, pig-faced, KKK member alcoholic. sheesh. anyway, yeah, it's a really sad movie. but i like conrad, he seems like a really good person.

so things: i feel slightly less stressed out about surface things than i did in the last few weeks. i was just dealing with crap, my computer broke, trying to get it fixed, etc...but i finally just got a new one and it's an Intrex, i like it, exciting. but this week, man, it seems trivial, and i've told people already, but my left eye has been twitching for the last few days. people have told me it's because i'm either too stressed out or need more sleep. and even though i know both are true, i don't feel like both are true in excess. it's weird.

i've started exercising everyday. just going to the src for 30 minutes or so during the day. i think it's a good step in trying to heal my back problems, although after going to the physical therapist for 2 months, and not seeing much change, it's hard to stay optimistic. now, i'm being referred to a spinal doctor, and i'll probably get some x-rays. that's scary. but i guess we'll see what happens? i don't know what's wrong with me.

i've also really gotten back into lyrics. (not that i ever really lost it.) i love music, and i love poetic music. i feel it should be appreciated. good musicians, and good writers. and another thing that i love, musicians that i can always depend on to do that. it's like counting on a good friend.

things are crazy. woo

2004-09-02T20:35:00.000-05:00

whatEV. i think in a good way.

2004-08-30T15:35:00.000-05:00

Things are much better now, thanks.

Really, everything. I'm having a great time. Saturday, I worked at a MoveOnPAC.org benefit yard sale. I walked a billion miles and back and it was exhausting. But I felt worthy for doing something noble. But the thing is, the buses are so unreliable, and I really like walking. Especially to some good listening. Recently, I purchased Gavin Conner's Moving on to New Disaster. It's not just good, but amazing beccause of his small-town talent. If you don't know of him, he is my sister's boyfriend's good friend. I know, it sounds like a multi-connection. But truly, it's awesome, and char even has a thanks to. so, go to http://gavin-conner.moonfruit.com.

I also went to the last Inside Improv show ever, which was really really fun. Truly a sad thing, but still awesome. Then Rachel and I joined Zack, Kit, and Jeff in congregating at Ethan's house, where I partook in a grape pushpop and half a frozen pizza, and good company. Until 4:15 am. Then we drove back, asleep by 5:15?

Yesterday, nothing much more than sleep, homework, and a good time with a great friend. Even when you don't know what you're doing, why you are doing it, or if you should completely be doing something else, and everything is ultimately confusing, great experiences, and good people, will drive you. And I know there's more to come. Just a note. Woo college. Keep loving.

2004-08-24T23:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just wish you were somebody else. You could rid of all your personal problems, and take somebody else's. No one is perfect and who wants to be. But if I wasn't me, I wouldn't have to deal what comes along with me. I would have to deal with someone else's bothers. I can often see that I don't want to do that because I can see in others what I wouldn't want to and/or be able to handle. There are things that I appreciate about me and my life. But right now, at this very moment, the problems I have to deal with are just causing more trouble in my own life and the lives of the people who care about me. If I could just dissolve into a crowd, no one would have to worry. But I don't want that either. Because I like that people care. It makes me feel good. But what if I'm just causing them more pain? How can someone be ever-selfless? I don't think they can because they really would just disappear. I don't know what I want, just to be a better person.

2004-08-21T16:56:00.000-05:00

I'M MOVED IN. 102 avery check it.

BUT. my computer is broken. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAA.

that's how i feel about that. hopefully it will be healed soon, and i'll be back online. boobie.

yummy

2004-08-18T23:09:00.000-05:00

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS PUSHPOPS ARE SO GOOD! listen people, they're strawberry and lemonade sorbet, and seriously was the greatest end to my day.

I scurried tonight to take my lappietoppie to computer therapy. It might be screwed, but I'm really hoping not. If you would, please make a prayer for it.

Cool schtuff. Things are happenin. Still can't wait to be back. Miss you.

ew.

2004-08-16T19:36:00.000-05:00

I just ate Kentucky Fried Chicken, for, at most, the second time in my entire life. And I feel digusting.

And there's other things too, most of which most don't know the half of. And I won't even go into it. I never even planned on having a blog.

Amy

so ready

2004-08-15T20:16:00.000-05:00

I listened to some old mix tapes from my pre-compact disc past. They were surprisingly good. It was refreshing. You should try it.

I hate snoring and other unwanted noises. I'm loving the Olympics. Go Michael Phelps! woo

I thought I wasn't quite ready, but I am. I completely with no doubt want to be back at school as soon as possible. It's a week from today, and I can barely stand it. Everything works out so much better there. Just everything. Some things are ridiculous. I can't even tell you. Sheesh. Tomorrow, come to me.

2004-08-12T22:39:00.000-05:00

Tonight I got to spend some time with all my friends. We got a group of about 10 together, all from high school, everybody who I haven't seen for so long, and have missed. I got to catch up with just about everyone, and it felt really good. I love them all, and I'm so glad I finally got to see them all. I met my friend Dosha's new husband (yes! she's married!), and although it seems a little strange at first, I am so happy for them. Just seeing them together makes me really glad. It seems everybody has moved on, but they're still my same pals, and I'm just so glad that they are still around. It's been a few since I've been surrounded by people that make me really happy.

It's been a tough past few days, in my mind and in my house. I think it's hard to be around your family when everybody is having their own troubles and all you want is sympathy from them and to give them yours, but you don't know what's more important. Maybe I'm not getting what I seem to want from them, but really it could be a good thing that I've been taught to be independent and deal with my own shit and they'll deal with theirs. I'm not sure. But it's getting there. Tomorrow I'm leaving with my father and my sister for the weekend to go rafting in the mountains. I haven't spent a lot of time with my dad lately, and what it's like, that's a whole different story. A lot of the time it saddens me, but I've learned to deal with it my entire childhood. It's part of my life. I guess, I'm just hoping for a good time, and I'll be back soon enough.

Soon, I'll be moving back into my old life. Which in itself, will be different from when I left off. But after returning, I now know why it makes me so happy. I suppose, I'm on the road to being okay.

2004-08-09T16:09:00.000-05:00

During my vacation, I recorded on my laptop everything we did, each day. Just for my own benefit, I guess. I was planning on concocting an entry about it, so you people could read about what I did while I was away from home. But now, I feel, since some things have happened since I've gotten back, it's just not pertinent anymore. I might be able to make it concise.

I learned how it is hot, not humid, like a sauna or the air coming out of an exhausting bus. Las Vegas consists of nuderific billboards, and showy, glittery huge signs. In Utah, I hiked in the beautiful backdrops of Zion, Bryce Canyon, and the Grand Canyon National Parks. They are all equally beautiful in their own way, with spectaculars overlooks of infinite canyons in each direction. I learned how fat the squirrels are in Utah, and how the many foreigners are fascinated as they gape at them scurrying through the parks. I found out some interesting things about Mormonism, and the fact that there is a small town on the border of Utah and Arizona that is purely polygamous and is filled with unfinished houses in order for the large families to not pay property taxes. I learned you don't run down steps really fast onto a high-up viewpoint and fall on the rocks, skinning both knees, hands, and an elbow, because then you would be hurt, and you would be my little brother. I fell in love with my brother's new friend: a stuffed buffalo that smells of herbs and is microwaveable. His name is Buffy, and you just want to hold him forever. I got a massage from a state-of-the art spa, which just felt really really good. In Vegas, I got overwhelmed with casinos and hotels and expensive everything. I saw Penn and Teller's live show and was amazed. I rode a roller coaster around the top of a tower which is taller than the Space Needle, and coincidentally, in our hotel. I was glad to be there and happy I had the privelige of being in such cool places. I had fun with my family, and was ready to come home when I did.

Now things are different.

Today all my animals played with me. I love them so much, and don't spend nearly enough time with them, I realized. I went outside to get the mail, and sat on the steps with my cat, Miguey (short for Miguel. She's a girl.) She was happy to be picked up and sat in my lap. She got cat hair all over my shirt, but I didn't care. It was just so gorgeous outside and she was biting my toes, and then after a bit, went and laid down on the steps again, completely content. All she seemed concerned about was finding a place to relax. I went inside and found my other cat, the grandma, the old lady. Josie is 11 now, it's crazy. She now has this sack of "skin" that hangs down from her, and she is just bigger all around. She's like a fatty now. She was sitting in the really comfy chairs that are in the living room, which i love, by the way. I sat with her for a bit, and she usually isn't that friendly. But today she let me pet her for awhile, and then just settled again. I thought that'd be enough. I rarely have such good quality times with my cats, but then my dog Ginny was sprawled out on the kitchen floor. God, I love her. She has these deep human eyes, and she yearns for attention. She ended up following me around for awhile. It's just, there was no else home at the time. Just me and my animals. It makes me realize how great they are, and that I need this time.

You see, my parents, they are surrounded with people all the time. They go to work, and they come home to deal with the family. No time to themselves. I don't know if I could do that. My father, on the other hand, lives alone. He buries himself in his work, and probably has too much time to himself. I know I couldn't do that either. So I guess I'm glad I am where I am.

2004-08-04T17:14:00.000-05:00

hey i'm back! just lettin you know i'm here and there. i'm working on a bigger entry about my endeavors, so look for it in the near near future. now i'm at my house..... god. oh well, what can you do. only a few more weeks of summer!! i'm gonna try to make the most out these last three weeks, and then back to school. i can't waaaaait. yayy.
-ames

see ya

2004-07-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

So, it's currently July 19th. How did it get to be today?? This week is going to be incredibly filled. I just hope to get through it. I've got my final on Thursday, and then I'm going home. On Saturday, I am leaving for Utah. As I mentioned before, I'm sure, I'm going with my family to southern Utah and Las Vegas for 10 days. I can't even express the extent of my excitement. (whoa alliteration.) So...I won't be online for awhile, and won't be updating. However, look for an in-depth entry of my vacation activities when I return. Then I'll be at home for about 2.5 weeks, meaning I'll be online somewhat less, enjoying time to myself and in my house. Finally. So everyone, thanks for making this large portion of my summer crazily great, and please enjoy the rest. If I didn't yet get to see you, I miss you, and will be looking forward to seeing you in August, if at all possible. Live it up and I'll see you soon. Love.

strengthening

2004-07-16T14:23:00.000-05:00

Things I can't do:

Watch Saved By the Bell: The College Years.
Watch The Cinderella Story, with Hilary Duff.
Stop listening to Old 97s, Ben Folds, and Guster, all mixed together.

So on wednesday, on my bus ride to work, I noticed this guy with these boxes of "leg health" (that's all i could read from across the aisle, and it seemed to have pictures of legs on the box. Then I saw he was actually wearing these stockings, under his pants (relax. I could see them between his socks and the bottom of his pants.) They were very light-skin colored, not transparent at all. And of course my first reaction was, uh, why is this old man wearing stockings? So without trying to glare too much, I thought about it--I'm assuming they are some kind of medical thing? I guess I've vaguely heard of that before, but I'm not really knowledgeable. I just found it a little strange that this guy was wearing stockings. So later, as Rachel and I were taking side-by-side showers, and discussing this observation, she suggested I look it up online, to become better informed. And I did today, and yep, to confirm my assumptions, they are called compression stockings, that help with swelling and such. You're probably reading this thinking, "Yeah, duh, Amy". I knew that already. But I'm taking the liberty to acknowledge my "ignorance", if you want to describe it that way. I'm glad I know now, instead of stupidly lumping this man into the pile of freaks that use Chapel Hill transit, including myself, who that day had a swollen eye, and probably earned just as many stares. Maybe it's a small step in the direction of trying to be a nicer, and less dumb and ignorant person. I guess sometimes that small effort can help. And I can't help saying that using the buses this summer has been a curious experience, I have encountered some interesting people, but I like it. Today I ran into Janine Heiser, from high school, and chatted with her on the F bus. It seems one of my favorite parts of the day is walking to Carolina Coffee Shop bouncing along to my CD of the day, for the 8 minutes of walking time, in the summer sun. I don't know why it brings so much peace, but I always seem to be in a good mood for those moments.

I just came back from my second Physical Therapist appointment, which unlike other doctor appointments, I actually like going to. My PT is really nice and helpful, and is working hard to determine what's wrong. It's really good to finally talk to someone who knows what they are talking about. And it makes feel so much better about really being able to do something about my back and neck problems. It's just been so bad recently, and whatever it took to finally act on it, and see somebody about it, was definitely worth it. And I think whatever I need to do to help the problem will also be worth it. And I think since I've been in college, it's one of the first times I truly have taken the stand to deal with a problem like this on my own, so that is a good thing.

I think the gist right now is: I am strengthening. I'm strengthening my muscles--changing my ways, and in turn, making a stronger foundation for a better and more comfortable life. I am strengthening my mind and emotional state. I am working to be less worrysome and more focused on my appreciable good things. I am strengthening my relationships, making everything about them more enjoyable, and not letting others phase me. Good.

eesh

2004-07-14T10:47:00.000-05:00

Lloyd: How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood, and be in a good mood?
Constance: Gee... it's easy.

Today I woke up completely rested. It was the first weeknight perhaps the whole summer that I've gotten over 8 hours of sleep. It felt really awesome. Then my eye swelled up, for no apparent reason that I can find. And it still looks like shit.

If I'm dealing with shit, don't let me hold you back. Don't let me stop you from having a great day or a fun time. I'm just letting you know. I appreciate all the sympathy and care you give to me, of course. But I don't want to hinder you.

And thank you for missing me. I miss you too.

spontaneity

2004-07-11T09:40:00.000-05:00

I needed a break, from everyone and everything. And it was fulfilled. I did what I usually do every semester or so, I went up to VA to visit my sister, in Harrisonburg.

Friday: Went to class, came back, packed up my stuff, took a short nap. Bussed over to my car, stopped at Great Harvest to pick up some cookies, and headed out. Took right about 4 hours to get there. I love the drive, it's so pretty driving through the Shenandoah Valley, listening to loud music that only I want to listen to, and singing the whole way. I think I've reestablished my love for GC. They're fun. I got there around 6:30. By that time I was mega-hungry. What I had that day: cheesenips and chocolate milk for breakfast, a blackberry clearly canadian, a lot of cheese, rasberry iced tea, and a cinammon scone on the way up there. Anywho, so I found her apartment, we chilled for a bit until we decided to go eat round 8. We went to the Little Grill, which I've been to before but only to see a performance, not eat. It's a cute, small-town kinda place, they have open mic night there, etc. It was good. Then we came back and played Reel Clues, movie trivia game. w00t, love it. It took a really long time, but I won, I ended up forming a movie starring Marilyn Monroe and Bruce Lee, set in Monte Carlo, directed by Martin Scorsese, and written by Oliver Stone...interesting. Then we watched a movie, The Butterfly Effect, the somewhat thriller starring Ashton Kutcher. Really incredibly disturbing, but after thinking about it, I've decided that it made you think about stuff, but then no, cuz none of that could ever happen, it was too ridiculous to fathom. So, eh? Ended up sleeping around 4 am.

Saturday: Woke up at 12. At this point, we didn't really have a plan. We figured we'd just laze around, maybe watch another movie or something. There wasn't too much to do, so we'd just do whatever. But the night before, Brent had been in Asheville at an Old 97's concert, and he had called during the concert like 4 times so we could hear it. I love them. We couldn't really hear much except when they played Question (Someday somebody's gonna ask you, a question you should say yes to, once in your life, baby tonight i got a question for you) and Valentine (It's a lonely lonely feeling when your valentine is wrong). ANYway, I was like, you know, I want to see the Old 97s. Let's see where they are playing. So i did, turns out they were playing tonight in D.C. At this LiveOnPenn thing, they have a concert of like 4 bands every saturday night outside on Pennsylvania Avenue. It's $7.00. So, that's only two hours away. It starts at 5. We mapquested directions. That's really cheap. You wanna go? It's 1:00 now. If we leave at 2, we can get there at 4 in time to get tickets. The headliner is Eve6, who cares about them. We'll go just to see the old 97's. Okay, let's go! Charlotte showers, I write down the directions, we make quick sandwiches for lunch, run a few errands and go. I drove, and it's a little scary driving into D.C., never actually done it before, but we got there, and smoothly. Only thing was we didn't know where to park, but we found a $5.00 parking deck right near where the concert was. So we parked there, and went. At that point it wasn't crowded at all. It was this big radio station-supported event, sponsored by Miller Light, etc. So we got some expensive food and drinks, and sat right in front on the pavement on our blanket we brought. There were two other bands before the Old 97s, Practically Einstein and The Speaks. They were both alright. And we were sitting right behind these incredibly dorky high school boys, bah. Then the Old 97s played at 6:30, and everyone moved up and stood. Then we realized everyone was there to see them, which was cool. It was really good, they played for about an hour and a half. They played a lot of good songs, a lot of them I didn't know, but they were all good. Even the somewhat country ones I liked. And Rhett Miller is kinda hot in a weird way. Ha, yeah they're really cool. It was much fun. We didn't even stay for the headliner, cuz at that point it was really hot and really thirsty. It was great, just spontaneously driving to D.C. I hadn't been there for a long time, forgetting that it's a pretty cool city. So, awesome, everything worked out, and we drove back. We stopped in Vienna to get some dinner at this place called Noodles and Company, ate some good pasta and headed back. Got back to Harrisonburg around 11, so tired by that time. Went to sleep about 12, cuz Charlotte had to get up at 8 to go to work.

Sunday: Woke up at 10, showered, and now I'm still in Charlotte's apartment, she's at work, and getting ready to drive back to Chapel Hill.

This weekend has been really great. I was so excited to get away for a little bit and hang with Charlotte, it's always so worry-free and nice, we can do what we want and it's always a good time. I love it. I'm so glad I did it. I only have one more weekend before I go on vacation. This summer is running out, just as I imagined it would. I'm having fun though, and that's the important thing. I know the rest of the summer is gonna be awesome, as will be fall semester. I can't wait.

My back is really hurting, it's just getting worse. But I'm going to the Physical Therapist tomorrow, so I think's it okay. And I think everything is okay. I love summer.

word.

2004-07-09T11:53:00.000-05:00

I failed to mention earlier that damn. patrick swayze is dirty dancin HOTTTT. And I realize it every freaking time I watch the movie. Come on people, you musttt agree.

just take some time

2004-07-06T19:10:00.000-05:00

Today, I discovered that kiwi and watermelon is an irresistible mixture, and I love it. It's the color of Christmas but the feeling of summer. It was the highlight of my day.

I want my comfort back. I want to drive in the car and sing to my favorite unknown, only knowing that my passenger knows and loves all the words too. I want to watch a day's worth of television, even when there is something better to do. I want to pick out two obscure movies that neither of us have seen and fall asleep watching them. I want to complain about the worst people and boast about the best. I want to sleep until no one cares. I want to explain nothing because we both know what is already there.

Everything is beginning to be nothing but wishes. A lot of what I wanted then is what I have now, and yet I miss what I had then. There is no specific "now" and "then", it just is. And I know that I can't and don't truly want to escape everything of now. But I need time to let my overwhelmed mind reorganize. Let it process before it explodes. I need to be honest to myself and to everyone. It takes time and space.

hmm.

2004-07-01T14:29:00.000-05:00

You meet some interesting folk on the Chapel Hill Transit system. Yesterday, I encountered a young "couple" at the Varsity Theatre stop. The boy was wearing a bowtie around his neck. He kept kicking my seat on the bus. Today, I saw them again. This time, the girl was wearing the bowtie. And the boy asked me what BL stands for. They seemed to have an interesting relationship.

I want to go to the North Atlantic Shore and find a bright blue baby lobster, because they do exist.

great thing

2004-06-27T02:08:00.001-05:00

The wonderful thing about living in Chapel Hill for the majority of my lifetime is that memories lie in so many locations, and whenever I feel like it, I can always go back to them.

Tonight, I went driving. I wanted to kill about 30 minutes. I drove, not with a specific destination in mind. For some "subconscious" reason, I was pulled to the Chapel Hill High School parking lot. Two times this year I have done such a thing, driving through the parking lot and recalling various things that took place there. But this time, it didn't involve any explanation. Just remembering. I drove to Nida Abdullah's parking space, a somewhat parallel space on a hill in the A lot. There I could feel her and myself in her Acura with the taped up sunroof, hearing The Flaming Lips. We were waiting to get out of the parking lot to get Armadillo for lunch, before we'd casually walk in to 6th period yearbook. We'd complain about the current yearbook woes. I drove to Miriam Perez's (my Academics section editor of Junior year) space in the center of the B lot. I could see her, Nida, and myself on Miriam's last day of school, as she was a senior and had no exams. We were sitting on the pavement in her space, after school had let out. It was hot, and she was boasting about her new Swarthmore sticker on her car. I can remember putting her crazy personality aside to say goodbye to a friend. We talked about lots of things. I specifically hear myself telling my first pornographic trauma, when I accidentally downloaded a video online not visually pleasing. I drove to Rachel spot in the A lot, not far from my own. She didn't have geology class that day and I purposely skipped out on class. I can hear Eminem blasting and the two of us singing all the dirty words and the corresponding booty dancing. I can see the smiles on our faces. I remember the time going by so fast and seeing Rachel Frantz walk by when school has ended, and the finger-shaking glance she gives as she sees me slump down in my seat, her knowing that I was skipping. I drove to the far right corner spot in the A lot, closest to the Cultural Arts Building. Many late afternoons Nida and I would get food together, taking a break from the air of the yearbook room, and park one of our cars in that spot because it was closer and easy to drive into. I drove to the C lot, and saw Lauren Hart's old Toyota Camry with all the bumper stickers on the back of it. Not far down, was Abby Matson's. Theirs would be the only cars in sight at 7:30 am when the few of us had arrived for Bud Stuart's BC Calculus class 1st period. I can see their cars in the distance as I am parking in the A lot, getting out of my car with my gloves on, hot chocolate and small bag of cheerios in hand. And I knew that so many other happenings had occurred in these very spots, too many good memories to count. But the vivid ones came to mind. Finally, I parked in the D lot, in a spot facing the lacrosse field. I watched a deer in the field run away from my headlights. I turned them off and the deer turned back at me. Another appeared, running gracefully to its companion. It was beautiful.

I wrote down all these thoughts on notebook scraps found in my car. I wanted to keep the moment. Because when you have such a profound visual memory, you have to capture it on paper, in case you ever lose it. But I can go back, go back and find it again.

I was remembering these good times, knowing how good my life was then, just over a year ago from now, and missing it. But that nothing of my current life was included in these memories, and knowing that even though, at the time, I didn't think it would be better. That there is so much more in my life now, and truly how good it is.

working out

2004-06-24T23:51:00.000-05:00

Man, I think I should almost apologize for my last post. But why apologize, you can't get rid of things that go through your head. What I mean is, it is really good when your bad in-depth thoughts come out, and pass. Today I thought I would never get through, it seriously was aimed for being the longest day ever. But I plunged through. I plunged through thinking I'd be way too exhausted to even have energy to do improv. But class tonight was a lot of fun. We had less people, which was cool. I'm really liking the people in my class, it'll be sad when its over next week. We played lots of one-liner games, which I really had so much fun with. Yeah for lots of zingers. And at that point while I could've gone home and collapsed my exhaustion into a ball of...less exhaustion? I didn't. Charlotte picked me up at 10, and our plans were just to hang out, because she just got back from the beach today, and we were determined to have the maximum hang out time while she is home for a few days. Because we are simply that awesome. Anywho of course Ross tried to coerce us to goin to Zog's, and while I don't go often cuz I usually have shit homework to do, we decided to "zog it", as i decided to coin the term tonight. I mean I didn't want to overwhelm Charlotte with too many improv crazies, you know, but really it was cool. Really had fun just chillin with Ross and Lisa and Laine and others...i mean, lately its been a little hard dealing with the social insanity of dsi folks, i don't know, it's been on my mind i guess. But tonight was real chill and just cool to hang with my class peeps. Cool people they are, but not insane, if you know what i mean. Spread a little gossip, learned a few new things--something good to do every so often. Ha. Then as usual, it really felt good to hang with Char, eating pokey on franklin, talking bout stuff, just like old summer nights. A grand end to my exhaustive day, exactly what i needed. So I'm glad, I'm really glad. I love it when things seem less than or equal to mediocre, they get better, all within a day. And among other things: My sister continues to be so awesome, and will never stop. My relationship with my bestest friend is growing stronger by the day. My boyfriend is there for me, no matter what i do or say. So stop complaining, Amy, and live it up. And that goes for you too.

thoughts and thoughts

2004-06-23T19:14:00.000-05:00

I'm in that I am so tired but I can't sleep even though I desperately need and want to phase, and I'm so cold. Why am i so cold. It's summer. It's the rain.

But I got the chance to lay in my bed, and just think. Not say anything, just thinking. And I didn't remember until now that i was reading the words "say anything" on my poster on the wall, over and over until they blurred.

Today, I thought a lot about people.
Going to sleep at night. The necessary things to wake up each morning. That one can't do without item. The healing power that works every time, or at least has an effect. The connections with the most personally important people. Flirtatious looks. The qualities that define goodness. Angry reactions. Admitting jealousy. Things, emotions, and other people that bring happiness. Bad moods, and what sparks them. The degrees to which emotions are expressed. Motivation to do things, and to make other people happy. Pet peeves. Modes of communication. Talking about oneself. Idea of a fun time. Importance of serious conversation. Treatment of others. Appreciation.

Just some of the few million things that set each and every person in this world apart from every other. I thought about it a bit, and came back to the simple conclusion: everyone is different. Nothing can be done to change that. Different interests, different reactions, different talents, different values, entirely different personas. Duh.

You observe different people, you observe them, surround yourself with them, and a lot of times, by habit, you begin to find a common thread between them. The people you are around have something in common. That is why you are together. And the focus lies on that thread, and the other strands are sometimes forgotten. They don't mean to be, they just are.

I've found that people can often do this in order to feel part of something. You want to be accepted, or maybe just have something in common with one person. So you focus on it. But I feel like not enough people truly spend their time finding the differences, and keeping them. The truth is, I don't live to impress. And dealing with the people that do is almost overwhelming. How hard is it to just want live as i am, exist as myself, nothing less or more, and not feel pressured to change.

I know I haven't been extraordinarily articulate. But it is just thought. Some people think a lot more than they do. Others are vice versa. I'm the first one.

existing

2004-06-19T21:55:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you do not realize how happy some things make you until you leave the routine. You leave in search for something better, because in a lot of ways it is. But the details, you miss.

Tonight, I am at home. Having been on campus all summer long, I haven't spent much time at home. Tonight, I fell asleep watching a movie, laying with my six-year old brother Ben on the couch, under my mom's handmade rag quilt. We ordered pizza for dinner, and ate caramel fudge ice cream with whip cream. I scooped the ice cream, Ben squirted the whip cream. I read him his bedtime story, and it wasn't just the usual chapter of the Boxcar Children or Magic Treehouse. I got to help teach my little brother how muscles work in a book about the human body. We flexed our biceps and triceps together. I went outside to get something from the car. I was distracted by the hammock. I layed on it for awhile. Wearing my black tanktop and my beach jailbait shorts, I just swung gently, feeling only the slight breeze across my legs. I could hear the rain, falling off the leaves of the trees, the kind of rain you can hear but can't really feel, because it is barely coming down. I could hear the crickets--sometimes you barely even notice the sounds of the crickets, because they are always there, but when you sit back and listen, you realize how loud they are, and how in sync they are with each other; it's almost like one loud heartbeat of cricket noises. All i could do is lie, with my eyes shut, half because of the summer exhaustion, and half because of the bright gleam of the porchlight. As I lied there, there was no strong emotion. It was existance. Existing in the summer atmosphere, the quiet of my house, and the place I had resided so many summer nights before. Only did i come inside to capture it here, although i didn't want to. I wanted to stay. Inside, the only sounds i hear are the hum of my mom's laptop and an occasional cat's purr. So many nights and days I spent here, itching to find something different. But you return, you return and you find that you've missed it. And it feels good.

Learn it.

2004-06-17T16:29:00.000-05:00

Some people are great to hang out with. You could have fun for hours. Others you can tell all your problems to and talk endlessly about life. And some, maybe few, are both. All-purpose friends. Do me a favor, if you got one, take a look at your best friend. Keep them by your side, and stay by theirs. Don't lose them, cherish their value. Care and they'll care back, and they'll be there forever.

well, yay

2004-06-13T18:13:00.000-05:00

I still feel like there are a million things to do and they all pile up at once. But at least I'm freaking out slightly less. My final is tomorrow, 25% of my grade. But I'm gonna go into it positively and hope for the best. Yeah I know, plenty of people kept telling me it's gonna be fine, don't worry. And while that helps to hear, it's not really okay in your mind until you see it and feel it for yourself.

In other things on the upside, my parents made it to Inside Improv last night. In fact, they were there before I was. My mom knew I'd been going and sorta what is was all about, and said she wanted to come one time to see for herself (but I didn't think they'd actually follow through). Apparently, my little seven-year old bro was at his first sleepover. With his best friend/next door neighbor, Zac, mind you. haha. AND he went to sunday school with Zac today. HILARIOUS. How freaking ironic would that be if my permanently-non-practicing-leaning-toward-cynical-about-organized-religion family had my little brother going to church every sunday. But anyway, that's beside the point. The show last night was great, especially with 202 and Richard White and friends. Definitely a great night. But I really was glad my parents got to see it...I liked introducing all my DSI friends to them, they love meeting new people. And it was really great to see them cracking up at the hilarity I spend nearly every weekend enjoying. It's a really good thing when you can share an experience with your parents and it was good to see them having a great time--it's an outlet everybody can benefit from. Especially because they know that I love it and now can understand it more. Awesome.

It makes me appreciate the somewhat non-geezer like qualities of my rents.

And by the way, my intense love for cheese never dies.

Which is it?

2004-06-11T19:28:00.000-05:00

Some questions:

Am I overworking myself, putting too much in front of me, so I end up struggling in what should be priority? Or is it that I am just not cut out for what I strive to be?

Does it bother you that sometimes you are the only person that will ever completely understand what means most to you, and how and to what extent certains things truly affect you--experiences both uplifting and traumatizing? Does it make you feel alone?

school woes.

2004-06-09T11:55:00.000-05:00

Ideal:
1. Purpose: to teach material, test you on it, and provide you with knowledge that hopefully will be absorbed.

2. Instructor: intended to relay the information at hand, and to be a source of knowledge of the topic at hand.

3. Teaching assistant: intended to provide an alternate source of help and understanding.
Not: --equally or less informed than the students
--unable to explain things well enough to be trusted
--allowing students to explain things in a confusing way and assume that is satisfactory

Not ideal: Summer School. Biology 50. Molecular Biology and Genetics.
Current state: not good. Hope for future: better, please, for the love of god, and the sake of me.
Unsatisfaction. That's all.

Bad man.

2004-06-07T17:04:00.000-05:00

Laugh of the day:
According to my mom, when Ronald Reagan was elected in 1984, my sister was about two years old. My parents had a picture of him up on the refridgerator. They would hold her up to it, and taught her to point at him and say "Bad man! Bad man!"

Whaaattt?!

Seriously people, don't lose sight of the ones you don't want to lose. It really is that important.

it's aight.

2004-06-06T15:37:00.000-05:00

Pop-ups are taking over my computer. AHHHH. I don't think I can handle it. I also realized that the same background picture has been on my desktop for i think the last semester: from Engrish.com, let me see if i can describe. (that is so much more fun than just picturing it, fool.) its a picture of a glass (see household items). it features a young boy in his swimming trunks, with an innertube around his body. He is carrying a plate with a cup of coffee on it. Following him closely is his dog, somewhat reminiscent of Lassie. At the bottom it reads: "I wonder why coffee tastes so good when you're naked with your family." Although still remaining to be hilarious, I was thinking about changing it. Any suggestions?

The last few days have been some of those that are busy and surprisingly good. It was like, everything I was "stressed" about, or worrying about, (three specific things, in fact) actually turned out to be okay, or even superb. And that was a good feeling.

However, I am not disregarding a slight nervous breakdown I had a couple nights ago. But it definitely occurred in conjugation with that . thing, which is somewhat unlike me (to express my woes through becoming overly emotional, mind you) but it happened, and it least i know that is halfly where it stemmed from. And now after thoughts of failure have had their turn at taking over my mind, have passed through, left their mark, and moved on. So its okay.

I also wanted to make a *note*, that computerized post-it notes are the shit, and if you don't already have them, make a choice, and live by them. They are free and meant to make your life better. Here, I'll help you out. http://www.3m.com/psnotes
Scroll down, and download the free version.

I don't know what my point is. Take unwanted things as they come to you and deal with them accordingly. And use benadryl itch relief stick when needed. For now...dinner with my family + rachel. uh, cool.

Defined.

2004-06-03T23:49:00.000-05:00

I think I had this thought last night of a post and what it was about and how i was going to wait till today to write it because i was too busy doing other things before. also, i went fucking crazy last night. for some reason, i just got in this mood that i was in most of the day, where my intent was just to remain as mysterious and confusing as i could...it later heightened to laughing fits. i don't know what happened. i just had a brief glimpse into insanity. it was fun.

what i really wanted to say is this: and don't ask because i don't know where its coming from. what can i say? i was in a funk. it just hit me that a lot people spend their time or hope to achieve something they call a definition of themselves. People who have the ability, when asked, to sum up their personality, their life in a few sentences or so. Maybe I'm fooled. But is that really possible? Can a person be that simple, so that their daily activities are consumed by one or two things, so that that is essentially what makes them who they are? I guess I'm having trouble with this because its like so many people need time to "find themselves", figure out where they fit in, so that they can have that one place that they go, and feel most comfortable. sure, we all do that. we find something we like, do it, and keep doing it, maybe even going so far to make it life-consuming. sometimes people are labeled as one thing or another, and stick with it because its familiar. I don't want to be constantly worrying about "who i am", who do i want to be, and when and how will i find out who this person is i call myself. I don't want to be viewed as less of a person because I'm not defined. At the same time, I don't want to be so transparent that any ole person could take one look and know what kind of person i am.

But wait. perhaps...maybe i am on the road to be defined, just not with a simple definition in mind. I'm not a scatterbrained fool, for christ's sake. But why am i fixated on this idea? Don't really know. Just something to think about, and whether it is a significant thing to consider. People are complex creatures. You think you know a person inside and out, but at every turn there are more and more surprises. And you think you know yourself, but there can be just as many surprises there. All i can say is that you are who you are, and to the people who are truly important, there's no need to explain.

Damn. I'm way too fucking introspective.

19 I am.

2004-06-01T20:50:00.000-05:00

So my birthday is coming to a close. But I feel like I've been celebrating for the last 3 days, so everything works out. I am 19 now. Don't know how that happened. Surely feels like I'm still 10. Oh well. The day turned out rather well, despite the having to go to class part, and the 6-year old brother crying through the entire dinner (He later said he was sorry he misbehaved and reinvited me to his birthday). It comes to the point when you don't really care how many presents you get. It's really just the whole appreciation of feeling loved. And I do today. Thanks to everybody who wished me well, everybody who told everyone else to wish me well, and of course, those of you who really, really went the extra step to make it a good one for me. Everyone deserves people like that in their life.

And I also want to say, I've been told that blogs are a good place to just vent. But I think, perhaps more importantly, its a good way to express your love and appreciation, to those who really deserve to hear it. There is not enough gratitude in this world. Just promise me you won't take for granted what you got. Thank you and goodnight.

A calling.

2004-05-31T16:57:00.000-05:00

I think Peter Gabriel is calling to me. Or "In your eyes" is becoming my theme song. Or just today it is. Or something. First, Rachel and I watched Say Anything today, featuring this song, not to mention my occasional glances across my dorm room at the poster of John Cusack holding up his boombox and the first verse of the song written next to him. Second, I heard the song as I was listening to a new mix cd while I trekked to Carrboro this afternoon. Third, and this really did it in, I was in Harris Teeter checking out in the self-check line, and the song comes on. And HT does even usually have good music playing.

the crazy

2004-05-30T16:12:00.000-05:00

Jesus Christ, mother of god, it's weird how fast your life pace can change, your daily activities, the people you are with. Now I am here, after somehow maintaining sanity through two of the most exhausting days, but still good. Yesterday was my first "work by myself" day at Paper Pen and Ink, and for 8 hours nonetheless...it was a little scary. But it wasn't incredibly busy, and it seemed to go by fast. I handled it better than I thought I would. So I trekked over there, picked up a frappuccino on the way, was there from 10-6, sheesh. From there I grabbed some dinner for us party-havers, took two balloons from the if you are a child you can have ONE for free section of harris teeter, met kit and rachel and headed over to bryan's for the setting up of our party. and amy and rachel 19th birthday extravaganza, mind you. See the cool thing about this was we started it earlier so we could have our little chill time with our friends who came to visit: it was good to see the lump and his girlfriend. i approve, they are good ones. Good music and good people, all that's really important. And then of course, the prov, and then back to the party, which produced: craziness, and just pure exhaustion on my end. But I really had a great time. Its good to have a big celebration every once and awhile, and for me, hasn't really occurred that much since recent years, and definitely never to this degree. And 24 hours later, I came back here, ready to just sleep. And now i have, and feel oh so much better.

So now that I am working two jobs and somehow surviving summer school, my summer activities are shaping up. I've had a fairly relaxing first few weeks, and now its going to be quite a reversal. Come visit me at Great Harvest. I start this friday.

Thank you to everyone who came. If you couldn't, I hope to see you soon. And thanks to you who genuinely cares. It makes me happy. Off to a bonfire, woo.

Mean Girls

2004-05-26T14:23:00.000-05:00

Listen: I never expected this seemingly typical high school flick to be so fucking hilarious and so worth your while. I'd been anticipating the watching of this movie for awhile and after finally seeing it, I can't express enough its greatness.

I don't want to spoil it of course, and I will try not to. It's such a great satire on the horrible cliques of high school, and even though I can say my own Chapel Hill High School was nothing like that, I think it did a good job of adding so many different aspects of every high school all into one. And being written by SNL's Tina Fey, along with some other SNL cameos that rock, so much great humor comes out of it. And the craziness of it ends with a somewhat twisted but good message in the end, but it's great cuz you know everybody can relate to it in some way. Seriously, I thought we'd be like the only non preteen/high school age moviegoers, but now that i've seen it, I think it is much more appreciated by the graduates. We've been there, done that, perhaps didn't love it, and now realize why. With good company, I think you can really enjoy this one, have a laugh, and feel a little nostalgic/glad you are not in high school anymore. I'm not saying movie of the year or nothing but...regardless, hilaaarious. And by the way, I just gotta say this, when did Lindsay Lohan get such huge boobs? Maybe the time in between The Parent Trap and now just passed me by, but whoa.

What?

2004-05-25T10:04:00.000-05:00

After being bothered and bothered, well I am finally enrolled in DSI 101. Hhhwwhhhaaaat?! Oh yeah, Corey signed me up--a birthday present. That was unexpected and very nice. You are such a gentleman/DSI instructor, Mr. Brown. No, I sincerely appreciate it and will give it my best shot. Just because I didn't take the initiative doesn't mean I won't give it my all like anything else I would do.

Oh by the way, did I mention I am turning 19 a week from today? June 1st, babies, don't forget. And come out and celebrate at my and rachel's party this Saturday. How is it that I'm turning 19? Eh?

As for all other shit going on right now, in the last few days, I've realized that no matter how fucked up a situation is, that somehow the way it is right now is probably the best it could have been. You make mistakes, you correct them, you move on, and while it sucks in the meantime, usually something good results. Whether it is learning from the mistake or sacrificing one shitty thing for another really good thing. And while some things still aren't resolved, who knows if they ever will be, some things just have to lay as they are. At least for now. But I don't know, I think things will be alright. Plus, Mean Girls tonight! Look for a long awaited review of it soon.

When down, get someone to tell you everything awesome in your life. It helps. It really helps.

"Say Anything" is a really fucking good movie. And correspondingly, "In Your Eyes" is a really fucking good song.

People.

2004-05-24T00:44:00.000-05:00

See, some people just suck all around. Don't deny it, think about it, and truly i'm sure you can come up with at least one person that fits the description. Its the truth, its furreal, and can't be ignored. Then there is the opposite. The people that are incredible, specifically that pertain to your life. They are awesome, and unforgettable to you. Of course, with all, comes imperfections. Everybody has them, some seemingly more than others, but really they just come out in different ways. But the great thing about the awesome people is that even though you know there are problems that remain and always will, the goodness of their hearts outweighs such things, most of the time. Its when the once-seeming-to-be-awesome, or the god-i-know-what-you-can-be-and-its-so-much-better person does or says something that disappoints you or comes unexpected that things can unravel its thread and produce something less than good, or less than what it was, or less than what it could be, or should be. And even more, I hate when you are that person.

It is so hot.

2004-05-22T15:43:00.000-05:00

Well it is currently Saturday, and I am about to have a stroke of heat seeping deep into my pores and taking over my entire body. But ya know, pretty much everything else is cool, so hey, whatev whatev. This is what summer should be like. Yesterday was long but enjoyable...trained at Paper, Pen and Ink, walked a lot in the heat, ran into Nida, whom I love. hung out a lot. Last night, I had the pleasure of dining with some new friends: Bryan's friends, Pablo and Natalie, whom I had met both of previously, but I'd never seen them together. They're great. And I met a new Mexico-originating friend, Rolando, who is aaaawesome. We should hang out. It was a good time, especially with their insane cats that seemed to be the center of the party. I just think its good to chill with new people, that you don't see every day, it makes for a new experience and a good time. You should do that. The prov was enjoyable as always: yeah, friday night kevlar/the code, awesomeness.

And today brought...getting to catch up with Dosha, and exchange our insane endeavors in the last few weeks (god i love her). some people are really just great to talk to, no matter how often it is. And got to hang out with Justin. I miss him, so used to being at arm's reach (cuz my arm reaches from 1st floor avery to 4th floor). the three of us, man, we're tight, and hadn't seen him for awhile. so that was real good. elmo's, and new expresso, gelato place in southern village, which is very worth your while, the name escapes me, but it's good. trust me. and for some reason, today i thought being somewhat of a bitch to random strangers would be a good idea. i don't know what's coming over me, eh? i think i should describe this in some detail: group of somewhat preteen girls in elmo's....one of them wears: a yellow "dress" which is essentially just a cloth towel that goes around some portion of her body, which isn't flattering mind you. but not only that, she wears a black bra underneath it to show. huge hoop earrings, braces, everything you want in a girl. so i was dared to tell her i like her dress, so i did as she was leaving. i tried to say it meaningfully. and she sorta stares ahead for a second, then proceeds to look at me awkwardly and say quietly, "....thanks." whoops. maybe that is really fucking mean. but what can i say, you gotta take those impulses sometimes.

I've yet to do the homework i should do, since i think i'm failing summer school. Instead, it's much more necessary to hang out with people i like, and do things i want to do. i like that ability.

And later tonight, of course, I.I.....with spherical suicide (ahh!), and hosted by rachel...expect awesome.

So, as usual, life is crazy, and I'm loving it. Everything right now I'm just taking as it comes to me, not bothered by as many things, and just kinda hanging in there, because usually, it comes out alright in the end. Why the hell not? It's summer. And with that, I hope YOU are having a great day, and many great days to come. Appreciate them. And love them.

Thanks to you. Thanks to you for being awesome. And thanks to you for being in my life, and making it more awesome as a result.

I never thought it would come to this.

2004-05-19T22:43:00.000-05:00

So. Basically, I decided to start a journal, I don't know why, because it sorta goes against my previous beliefs. Well, not entirely, but you know it is just something I really didn't feel the need for. You see, I have a journal already. It's personal, I share it with no one, except for bits and pieces of it here and there. I don't lie, because I hate superficiality. So I keep it real, and hide nothing. And the point is, it's cool, because I am just talking to myself, and that is all that is needed. In fact, sometimes I think it is actually more healthy to spill things out to yourself than ramble on to other people. I mean, why have ANOTHER place to write stuff, if it's not gonna be the real deal, all the shit that's crowding your jumbled mind. Not to mention, all that crap that comes with having one--not mentioning people that should have importance or whatever, and then the people getting mad that they weren't talked about. (yeah, char, and our agreement on the thought of live journals). Anywho, let me just preface this by saying I am doin it for pure entertainment for those yearning to peek into my life, ahem, specifically those um who have been begging me to do it on several occasions. And to those whom I told previously that I would never have a journal, I am sorry. I have failed. Eh, who keeps promises anyway? Wow. Ok, so I just talked about live journals for a long time. But really, I'm glad of it. These things should be talked about.

And on to other things...I guess an update on what the hell I am doing, what the hell I have been doing, etc. Currently, I am sitting in my summer school dorm room, here at the lovely institution of UNC-CH. Yes, I know, I could be living at home, since I live a mere 10 miles from my current position. But among a multitude of reasons why it is nice to live on campus, I am here, with my best friend in the whole world, and letting my life go as I want it to go, something slightly less plausible in the boundaries of my household. And the thing is, there are things I am passing up by doing so: having a car at my ease, an awesome house that i love (newly painted, by the way, with bright colors everywhere you turn. w00t.), FOOD. But there is a reason why we go to college, and live in a dorm, despite its downfalls. And the same goes for summer school. And as of now, I'm in Bio 50, Molecular Biology and Genetics...yeah, just taking it as it comes to me. But it occupies me, and makes me feel like I'm being productive, somewhat. And what does the rest of the summer hold? Well, I will be here residing in Graham until approximately July 23...up until the end of Summer Session II. Then...BOOM, go home for a day, then leave with the fam for UTAH! That is right, for our family vacation, this year we are taking a break from the traditional Colorado, and heading to the southern part of Utah. Truth is, my mom has this timeshare thing so we get a free week in this resort thingy and then a few days in the Grand Canyon. Yes and I do mean IN the grand canyon. Then, back for a few weeks at home, and somehow the summer is then over, and I go back to school, for my sophomore year.

Wait....hhhwhaaaat?! Sophomore year....in college? That's crrrrazy. Somehow, I made it through the completely insane freshman year I had. So much fun had, so much work done, and changes made. Too much craziness to describe. But overall, I am pleased. I truly ended up having a great year, and am glad that my freshman was the way it was, because I know how unfortunate many have it the first year in college, and in retrospect, I really do think I had a great one. Thank you to everbody who made it awesome. I think it's just crazy, how completely different my life is now, compared to how it was, just a year ago. But it is good different, and I am happy about that. Hey, so i was thinking...since this turned into being extra long, and stuff...maybe i'll retire here, I mean, stop writing, I mean and/or proceed to do homework instead...what? uh, yeah, feel free to comment. feedback is good. ok, i see you lata.